How is it that when you try to simplify your life, re-arrange it a little, you seem to get nothing but dust bunnies for the first bit of it. That was me yesterday. Spending 4 hours cleaning and re-arranging my tiny 3 room apartment, and for the first 3.5 hours it felt like I was just creating a much bigger mess. I ended up with four trash bags full of junk that had accumulated, and more dust/hair bunnies that I care to count.
You know where this is going-it’s kinda like life (life is like a box full of chocolates, everything is relative!). When I lost Kevin, and my life was COMPLETELY re-arranged, those first few months were nothing but chaos and destruction. I felt empty, but my life lay in ruins before me. Nothing was in order, there were no patterns, it was just thrown about in a big heaping mess.
Now as I put the pieces of my life back together, I have to clean up the messes I didn’t deal with: the paperwork, his stuff, momentos that needed to go. And with it, came bags of trash, and so many upsetting moments that I do not care to count them.
I am trying a new routine of trading off my regular “day job” duties for writing time. I am giving myself a 3 month time frame to either do well at it, go back to the day job, or commit more to the writing. Right now, it’s a bit chaotic financially budgeting for this allowance for my passion, worrying I’ll upset my employers by cutting back and creating more work for them. Again, the change, the re-arrangement leaves everything a mess…but just for a bit.
“Order” is being restored, but I know that the next loss, or the next big momentous change in my life will cause all those same anxieties, will force me to deal or deny. I guess I could say I am ready to clean up the dust bunnies of life. Toss ’em out, make room for the new, the happy, the clean, and the slightly chaotic.