I am titling this blog baby steps, because I think this is my first baby step back to life. It has officially been 5 weeks, 1 day, and 4 hours since Kevin passed. I do not feel good, I do not feel great, I don’t even know what I feel anymore, but I know I am ready to finally begin moving forward in some way.
I’m thinking job, getting healthy, getting on my own two feet, finding some zen, and regaining my faith and communication with God. Some big goals, but all taken in baby steps.
I feel so blessed to be here in California with Deborah and her family. It is inspiring to be with someone from my weight loss support group (www.sparkpeople.com) IN PERSON and to see how we’ve both failed in this area, but how we’re both at a point past the traumas in our lives that we want to move forward.
It feels good to think about moving forward. When I think of Kev, I still am achy, and anxious and destroyed. But I also think of him, and I’m happy. He was amazing and wonderful and inspirational to me. He was the true love of my life-my soulmate, my everything. He made me so happy, and brought so many things into my life that I never would have imagined. And, despite how much I hate it, he has given me a brand new life now. I don’t know that I’m ready to accept that, but I am taking baby steps to move forward in this new life.
I really really really dont’ want this. I cannot stress that enough. I REALLY DO NOT WANT THIS NEW LIFE. But then again, I don’t have a choice in any of this. This decision for Kevin to pass was made long long before any of us were on this earth. I was given a gift of true love, and now I am given the gift of a new life.
So..I’m taking some baby steps. First things first-find some zen, find my soul again….then come home..and find a job.