Kev would be SOOO jealous right now. I’ve already been out to the beach 3x this year, fishing for two of those times. I think in my brain part of me wants to re-create what was supposed to be last summer, even if it’s without Kev. It’s a way of honoring him.

I’m beach obsessed, a beach bum, a true fisherwoman. The floorboards of my Jeep are covered in Sand, my air freshener smells of sun and sand, and the lingering scent of sunblock overwhelms my nostrils everytime I get in the car. It’s as if everytime I turn the car on, it wants to head south to beautiful blue waters, salty sea air, and warm sandy beaches.

I’ve been feeling guilty in my brain for driving four hours to the beach. It’s a LONG drive. But I like this drive. It’s roads that bring back memories of Kevin and I singing to Tom Petty or the Travelling Wilburys with the sunroof opening, anxiously awaiting our arrival at Assateague. It’s Kev. Somehow Assateague, and the roads leading there, have captured his essence and vigor for life, and everytime there, I feel at home.

Assateague (Berlin, MD) is a place we wanted to call home in a few years. We spent all four hours of a drive home last May discussing possible business plans for this shop that’s located next to our favorite tackle shop in Berlin, Buck’s Place. It was for rent at the time (then was rented, now is for rent again!) and we talked about opening a local coffee shop where the local fishers could stop by, and chat Bluefish before heading onto the beach. We thought we could serve sandwiches and picnics to go for the tourists to purchase before they headed down to the Island to look at the ponies. A good place to grab last minute snacks for the road, and a nice cup o’ joe or scoop of ice cream for the kiddos. We’d only be open for Breakfast and lunch, allowing us evenings and nights to fish, and be together at home. It sounded so appealing to us, and we both dreamed ot it coming true in just a few short years.

But now it won’t. And that’s where the beach gets depressing. Not really depressing, but just melancholy. I look out at that ocean, at my rod, and wish I could see Kevin’s big 12″ rod next to it and him getting angry with any one of the new setups he’s using to catch the “big one”. As my brother said at last weeks’ night bonfire, it’s just not the same without him, out there on AI.

So that leaves me with a decision. Do I continue to go down, sometimes on my own, just to feel closer to him, to enjoy the sun sand and sunblock, and keep on fishing? Or do I stay at home away from the beach and cook, clean, run errands, and hang out with friends if they’re free? So far, beach is winning in my mind.