My heart is broken. Tonight, looking at Kevin’s facebook account, and how he was so ALIVE during this incredible fight with angiosarcoma. It’s devastating to me. I just see his smile..and my heart melts, but now it melts in sadness. I miss that smile, his voice, his attention.
I cannot stress how hard that nights are for me. So depressing and lonely. They were hard for me through all this, without him able to sleep in bed, and now…they’re just unbearable.
I don’t know how to move forward right now. Everything I do from here on out is just me. All the dreams we had…some I COULD do, but most just would feel incredibly painful to do without Kev. How do you plan a life when the biggest chunk of it is now missing?
We had so many dreams, so many goals. And now those dreams are gone. I have not just lost Kevin, I have lost MY LIFE. I think people don’t realize that with this physical loss, you lose so much more. Just like with the cancer itself.
It has taken with it the children we never had, the places we never explored, the house we never bought, the everything we dreamed of. It has taken so much more than my true love.
My faith..it’s taking a hard, hard hit. I believe in a plan, a purpose. Every night now..I just pray that God gets me through this because it’s so hard to pray for anything more than that. I just can’t right now. I’m too weak and too tired to ask for more than to get through this.
Depression and grief are just horrible things. Until you have experienced, you just can’t begin to imagine, nor do I want you to. Just know to pray for me, for ALL of us as we mourn our different ways. Pray for forward moving and forward thinking. Pray for strength and endurance to get through this battle.
It is in God’s hands..