My life contains a lot of “re”. Life is constantly cycling, going from one event to another, but often landing me back at some point near the beginning. A growing process where I start over, but with a different purpose, drive, and ultimately more knowledge.
This past week has contained much of those feelings, and lots of cycling. Re-evaluating dreams and my purposes for working towards them, adjusting my life to fit others while moving forward with my own, pursuing dreams to reach goals that are within my immediate reach and finding a drive I felt I had lost.
My life is heading into a refreshing light-there are so many amazing things, and people, and community, that surround me that I am trying to take advantage of all the passionate resources I have surrounding me. Yet, still, within that knowledge of what I have available to me, I still feel those fears, that disappointment of the past, the remembering a tougher time.
This time two years ago Kevin & I were on the phone constantly trying to find resources for the cause of his swallowing issues, and heading into the downward spiral of his illness. This time of year, as many other dates such as our anniversary, his birthday, the death anniversary, all cause me to pause and reflect. Some slow down my emotional process, and this time of year, that is what happens. My emotions are partially consumed by remembering a past that was painful, and it becomes hard to deal with my daily duties and decisions. Overwhelmed is what I become, and in a very unhealthy manner.
Today I am cycling back to eating healthier again, back to exercise, to feeling confident in my job and abilities, driving me to a passionate push for the upcoming Team Sarcoma Event and its’ success, and a life ahead about which I CAN dream. I am allowed to dream.
Sometimes, however, I still cycle back in that, and the fear of dreaming chokes me-takes away any zest for what I want to accomplish because the last time I dreamed like crazy, I lost it all. It takes a lot of guts, a lot of gumption, and basically, a ballsy spirit to get back on that horse and dream again, knowing that quite possibly life can and will be pulled out from under me. Yet, I will still have to treck on, to move forward, to not continue to be stopped by the tough events of life, because, well, that’s life.
Here I am, cycling back from the beginning, but with a better bike, stronger muscles, and a bit too much protection. I need to let go a bit, time to take off the brakes, and glide down that hill.