Some people say they can feel those who have past-their spirit, but I don’t. I’ve discussed this with another widow and we both agree that never have we truly felt our late husband’s presence over us. We can hear their voices and know exactly what they would say, but that we don’t feel their presence. I hate that. I just imagined once he passed that I would continue to feel him, to know he was watching over me, to get some direction from him, but there’s none of that.

My emotions weigh heavy after visiting with Kevin’s family. It was wonderful, and a great getaway, but obviously a huge emotional hurdle, one that I am still reeling from.

I wonder what Kevin would think of the choices I’ve made, the decisions I’ve come upon, the life I’m leading, the life I want to lead. In so many ways, I miss that bouncing board to get the ok. Having to live a life by myself again is tedious. I miss my partner in crime.

Had Kevin still be around now? Had things changed? Well, we’d probably be running out of or have already run out of our Health Insurance max, and would be moving up to or already be living in Canada with family. We’d be poor, and uncertain, but together and alive. I imagine that we would’ve spent the past 9 months in and out of the hospital, off and on the beach, savoring our time.

I don’t imagine it would’ve been easy had he survived, but I would give anything to still have him here. Yet I know it isn’t fair to wish that pain back, that struggle back. I just wish him back, the old Kev that I loved so dearly.

But such is life, that just over 9 months after his death, I continue to struggle making sense of my new life, my new world, my new normal.

Normal sucks 🙂