Last week life threw me another curveball when my boy landed himself in the hospital. A month before our wedding, this was not ideal timing. As we went through the steps of figuring out what was wrong, I did a very good job of keeping my blinders on. I would not allow my brain to go into complete psych out mode, but it was difficult considering all of the “could-happens” of being in a hospital. It’s hard not to. It felt too similar.
But he’s getting better every day and things seems to be smoothing out.
All these doubts run through my head about myself; what can I handle again? If something happens to him, how will I handle it?
But I don’t want to live that way. I fight those thoughts nearly every day; not to live in the past.
It’s difficult not taking my brain back there. It’s difficult allowing yourself to love again while knowing it could all end at any second. This was something I dared not believe could happen the first time. Now, I know at some point it could very well happen.
But that’s not healthy, it’s not vibrant, and it does neither of us any good.
This is what I have to tell myself.
I’m not the woman Kevin married. I look for pieces of her, but ultimately, the person I am today only contains bits and pieces of that woman. Some good, some bad, some just there.
I brought strength along to this new woman that I never thought I was capable of. I brought along a talent to take charge while still being a bit sound-minded (although that escapes me some of the time). I brought along a depth that I had not known in my soul. I brought along some pain and heartbreak that causes me to leave a guard up.
Ultimately, I am a morphed version of myself. I think all people morph and change, and yes, I do believe your core structure, moral, and beliefs can change over time. I also believe that if you don’t allow those things to change, or allow your partner to change, you can both suffocate one another and yourself.
It’s hard for me to admit that I’m not the same woman that I was. I no longer care about some things, yet am deeply concerned about others. But I do believe that it is healthy, but sometimes painful, to let yourself be changed by your experiences. I hope that these changes are mostly for the good, but sometimes I don’t know.
I am 2 weeks away from marrying the Boy. What a journey it has been as we approach 3 years together and I approach 5 since Kevin’s death. My life is so different, yet so wonderful and blessed.
I don’t want to lose sight of that, overall, when frustrating and scary things come my way. In everything I know that the purpose of my life is greater than all of my combined fears. My fears are not meant to eclipse what I need to experience and grow.
But damn, it’s tough.