I’m fearful that I became a widow at 24 to prepare myself emotionally to support someone else in my life who may become a widow too early in life. Who will it be? I have a running tab of those who I am fearful will lose their husbands or wives and won’t know what to do or how to deal. Then again, if I thought I was going to lose my husband I probably would have thought I could not survive. But I am.
I am fearful that for every piece of my old life I let go will lead me to experience further feelings of loss that will not be worth the opportunities that are being provided to me. I am sad to think about ever moving away from my family more than a few miles, I am sad to think of finding a new home for my cat in the next year, I am sad to think about the things I will miss if I say ‘no’ to something, I am sad to think about the losses that may hit me again.
I am fearful that cancer will continue to penetrate my life. Both parents were diagnosed with cancer in the time since Kevin died. What will happen there? They’re both in remission now, but it scares the crud out of me. I have lost 2 grandparents since Kevin died as well, whose next? Will there be yet another tragic loss that I have to face that will just compound all of these other losses and struggles?
I am fearful that I am going to miss out on amazing opportunities in my life out of fear for the what ifs. I am fearful of losing control. I am fearful that if I lose control again, like I did when Kevin was diagnosed with cancer, that something tragic will happen-that a person will die, like Kevin did. Is this logical? Possibly not, but in my brain of loss it is completely logical.
I am fearful to give God control because the last time I did my husband died. What other tragedies are to enter my life if I give Him control? But again, what grace and joy might I know if I would do that again? What relief, confidence, and strength would I gain? Is that possible? Yes.
I connect God with grief. I did not want to admit that for a very long time, but when I think of giving up control, I think of faith and prayer and God, and when I think of that, I remember the last time that I did that and who died.
What I want to remember is the times that I gave up control and asked God for his help and he healed. I asked God to heal my Dad. My Pop’s in remission. I asked God to relieve my Grandmother from her pain. She passed away and got that relief. I even asked God to take Kevin from this pain, to take his life to make it whole during those last few hours of his life, to help me get through this. He did. He did all I asked and prayed, but I’m still fearful.
I’m not good at giving up control. Giving up. Losing. Loss. It’s all connected in my brain. Working on that..