I don’t know if Maria knows that she’s fabulous, but she is. At her blog, I Lost You, she inspires me even more. “We’ve all heard the adage about diamonds, and how they are forged from carbon, ugly and uncut. We all know that a jeweler will work with their many facets, cutting and polishing them until they are worthy to be sold for a large price. We all know that what it takes to end up who we are, whether we are delicate and diplomatic, or stoic and steadfast. Whatever areas we are of strong character, we all know what it has taken to get there.
Like those experiences, this one will cut us a new facet to catch a new light. And it is not necessarily time that will take us there, but a life lived, in pain or in pleasure, between the past and the future. It is a multitude of experiences and lessons that will elevate us to understand that time is irrelevant. What matters is how we lived.”
To tell the truth, I needed some inspiration the past two days. I have actually had GOOD days, enjoying life and the people and places I am going. But then when I try to think of grief, and death, I feel like a blank slate some days. I cannot seem to dissemble if it’s that those grief emotions are so jumbled that I can’t even pinpoint a starting point to blog on, or if I have dealt with it so much in the past few months, that I simply cannot dwell on it right now.
I am wrapping up some big areas of my life, determining what will continue, what will end, what will begin. There are many questions, but I am thankful to be in a spot where if I don’t want anything to change, nothing really has to. Nothing is forced upon me like widowhood was. This time, I have choices. I once did not have those. When Kev was sick, there were no choices. It was do this, or die. No cost was applied, it just was an “OK, we have no choice.” Now I have freedom. But, the freedom this time, isn’t quite as free.
I browsed through my World Vision Christmas gift catalog this morning seeing what could be bought to create a life for families overseas. I think of all those people who are looking for jobs who don’t have a choice, who just want whatever the Man will give them to survive. The paper’s headline this morning reads about more and more families who are seeking shelter. What I have now is pretty good, it is. It’s hard some days acknowledging, however, that my situation now is much better than others, because the grief still overshadows much of that gratefulness.
As Maria mentioned in her blog, I am still a diamond cut with the facets of grief. It’s still my life no matter what, and although I have some greater perspective, that viewpoint doesn’t always shelter me from the side effects of grief.
So for today, I am going to work hard and looking at what I do have, and what opportunities I have gained in the past two years. Not because of his death, but just the good things that have happened in the past two years. Why don’t you do the same and share them with me?