I dont’ know if I have mentioned this, but Wednesday my mom will be going in for surgery (hysterectomy) to take care of the Uterine Cancer with which she was recently diagnosed. October was a pretty rough, emotional, month, and that news hits me hard. Thankfully they caught it early, and surgery should be the only thing required to take care of the cancer. Just keep her in your prayers this Wednesday and over the next 6 weeks as she recovers.
Obviously, with mom’s surgery, Thanksgiving is pretty much just some time off of work, nothing more. I have already decorated for Christmas which was fun, but now as I approach the holidays, I feel a bit of melancholy setting in.
One of the things I’m debating is whether to play in the annual Tuba Christmas in downtown Lancaster this Saturday. The only time I got to play, Kevin was there to listen and support me, along with a few friends. He loved when I played-in fact-it was one of the reasons he stumbled across the website I had made in high school about myself. He didn’t play himself, but was fascinated with the Tuba. Who knew?! Needless to say-the thought of playing to an audience not filled with his presence sounds more depressing than playing for the joy of the carols.
I am not sure if it’s the cold-ushering in the official change of season, the holidays, mom’s surgery, or just recalling memories that will no longer be recreated, but today is filled with much melancholy. Even pulling names, knowing his name was not in the pull, was a sad feeling. His name should’ve been in that basket. We should be agreeing not to buy each other presents, but instead to take a trip to Cabela’s and buying more fishing gear. He should have been sitting on the couch laughing at me and my dorky joy over putting up the Christmas tree and all the cool ornaments we had collected together. He should be yelling at Darrell for jumping on the coffee table I just moved into the apartment. He should be so many things, things he will forever no longer be in my life.
It is a sad though-recreating the holidays by myself and trying to find joy in the memories. Great memories stir so many emotions-good thoughts over times together that were so simply extraordinary, yet sadness that I’ll never experience them again with him.
He’s in the holidays, I know he is. I just wish he was next to me for them, instead of looking down from above to share them. I miss him dearly on this day. Almost 13 months past…