I have a lot running through my head over the past 24 hours since finding out about my grandfather’s passing…..this is a totally a pot of jambalaya as far as thoughts go, so bear with me.
For the past few weeks, I have slowly but surely been buildling up my yearly general anxiety disorder regarding taxes. I don’t know what it is, because it’s not like I ever make enough $ to worry about things like this, but I’m always afraid I’ve screwed some calculations up, I’ll have to pay in, or I’ll get audited. Does everyone have this fear? This year was moreso, because I kept horrible records for my Mary Kay business. Thankfully, I did so little with it this year, it didn’t really matter. But still, I get super anxious having to put together tax stuff. To put it nicely, I HATE TAX SEASON. Reason #452 why I could never be an accountant (listed below other such reasons as #83-I can no longer do long division, and #321-I think math sucks). (Sorry all you number crunches, I don’t envy you!).
The other big thing was the ESTATE. What estate you ask? Yeah, my advisor thinks the same thing, haha. I dont’ like to talk money, because, frankly, you just don’t need to know. But let’s just say there ain’t any. What there is, is going to medical and funeral bills, and most likely, nothing will be left. I’m ok with that. I CERTAINLY didn’t marry Kevin for money, and all of our money went into immigration, and once that was through, into beach stuff, and then..medical. Ugh! Needless to say, we have nothing, and I’m ok with that. I don’t need much, I don’t need to have the burden of huge real estate debt, car payments, or worries about how bad my stocks or 401k are doing. I may not have anything, but that gives me a LOT less to worry about. Anyways-enough of that-but I did want to meet with the advisor to discuss how to close out everything, especially in regards to Canadian accounts, and the immigration stuff.
It was a nice chat with him, and the accountant, and leaving there, for the first time in weeks, I smiled for no particular reason. I just felt (dare I say?) GOOD.
I went over to Dollar Tree (yes, I know all the stuff contains either lead, high fructose corn syrup, and tons of chemicals, but it’s only a buck!) and enjoyed my “ONLY A BUCK” browse. I haven’t been in there probably since Kevin passed, and I just find it fun to browse. I picked up some tealish/sea foam bins to put crap in, for my bedroom. I also purchased ‘Mister Plumber’ for my clogged/slow drain, bathroom sink, and a cheesy stuffed gorilla and card for my roommate whose beeing having some trouble sleeping. I figured she could use a pick me up. *shrugs*. OH-I also found 2 great pins for St. Patty’s day. Kristi has informed me we’re going out to celebrate-sounds good to me. I’m armed and ready with my “Kiss Me I’m Irish” pin.
After that, I went home, and cooked a great turkey chili (I HIGHLY recommend the dry mix Bear Creek soups-Kevin introduced them to me, and they are PHENOMENAL and super tasty), along with some Aunt Jemima quick bake cornbread, and brussel sprouts with light butter. Yes, I LOVE brussel sprouts. I always thought I hated them, but it turns out, everyone else THINKS they hate them, and I never tried them, so I jumped on the ‘I hate brussel sprouts’ bandwagon, and what do you know, they’re actually REALLY tasty. Like, I crave them tasty. Weird. Anyways, my dinner was fabulous.
I then watched one of my favorite shows, NCIS, and then cleaned my room and got ready for bed. It was so nice to know I’m done with my big commitments for a while, and just relax. I think I forgot how to do that, even from before Kevin was ill. I inherited the GO GO GO from my mom, and I just never knew quite how to stop. So last night, I relaxed, and stopped it and it felt so amazing.
For the past few weeks, ‘The Shack’ keeps popping it’s head in front of me. I had received a copy from my aunt and uncle at Kevin’s funeral, and attempted to start it then, but just couldn’t focus. I needed funny, humor, happy then. I have read tons of humorous books over the past 4 months, so last night, I decided to bring out my copy of ‘The Shack’. Let’s just say I read 60+ pages in about 2 hours until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I’m addicted. I hate to get past one of the truly sad chapters so I wouldn’t have nightmares, but I’m getting into the shack part, and wow…I’m so anxious to read more. My cousin in law described it as getting a big hug from God, and right now, I can’t think of anything better to get. I need hugs.
So, my past 24 hours have been a rollercoaster of emotions, which isn’t anything new or earth shaking. It just is. I’m sad at the great loss, possibly even more sad to know what my Grandma now has to face…but for the first time since I can’t remember, I feel relief.
I realized this morning that I was so busy with life, I didn’t even count the weeks mark on Tuesday morning. In fact, I didn’t even think about that October day on Tuesday morning. I just was too busy with other things. Most times before, if I realized I didn’t honor that Tuesday mourning, I would freak out and immediately look at the calendar and count how many weeks it has been. But today, I don’t feel that need. I know I am just about 2 weeks from the 5 month mark. That’s enough now. I’m past the weeks….into the official months. It’s starting to get a little easier everyday, and it felt so good to smile again, at absolutely nothing.