You can’t get anywhere forward without tripping along the way, and trip I have. The past couple weeks I’ve been feeling the tug and pull of the grief waves, but have refused to really let them bring me down. Yesterday, they did. I ended up bawling on two unsuspecting co-workers, and found myself in tears throughout the day. Every work stressor made me feel worse about myself and my feelings. Finally, I set up a lunch date with another widow friend for tomorrow at lunch – something I need to do. I need to vent.
Today I was so excited to hit the halfway funded mark on my Kickstarter project. The end does not feel nearly so far away now, especially since the campaign ends on 8 pm on October 28. I took that day off and am not sure what I’ll do with it yet. Being the 5th anniversary of losing Kevin, and the last day to push for Kickstarter backers, I figured I would be slightly stressed out and it would be best to be away from work. Timing isn’t the best with a new co-worker starting and the end of a sales quarter, but timing never has been my thing.
I’m feeling better today – the pick-me-ups from some great Kickstarter backers as well as just acknowledging that yes, I am grieving right now, were two helpful things. I’ve been fighting grief like it’s a bully – refusing to admit that it’s making me sad, bringing me down, and disrupting my life. But it is. Remarriage doesn’t “fix” grief. I guess that’s what I’m worried all of YOU think and feel about me now. That because I’m re-married you don’t have to think or concern yourself with me and my past life, because now I’ve moved on.
And I have moved forward, a LOT, and my new husband is an amazing support system (he has to be for putting up with all my Kevin related posts for this Kickstarter!) but when it comes down to it – I still miss Kevin, and I always will. No matter of time will remove him from my life. I never wanted to remove him from my life, but I think I expected that being 5 years out and re-married that it wouldn’t have such an impact on my life anymore. That’s a lie folks. That’s completely not what it’s like. Instead, I ignored it, I didn’t prepare for it, I refused to acknowledge important dates and time spans and now? Wow, now I’m in a whole lot of deep hurt that yesterday I think I felt as alone as when Kevin first died. No lie.
But today’s better and thankfully that was one hell of a rip tide, and I’m just grateful the storm is rolling back out and not taking me with it.