There are no what ifs in life. You can think back and go “what if he had made it” or “what if he had never gotten sick”, but no one can live through life thinking that way. I would be in a constant state of dissatisfaction, disappointment, regret, if I felt that way. It’s hard not to think back to a happier time and wish it was still here, but even in the loss, there is a grander scheme of good that comes from it.
I won’t deny that I would probably hate whatever it is that was meant to be here because Kevin is gone, or meant to be done because of his death. However, I also know somewhere deep in the crevices that still hold particles of my faith, that the things I have learned over the past year and a half are vital to not only my opportunity here on earth, but to others as well. Some people may not be accepting of the opportunities to learn from what I know, and that’s ok. We all have journeys to walk and we all deal with things in radically different ways. I embrace that especially, since I know what it’s like to be in a predicament of weakness, vulnerability, and fear.
The good is here, waiting to somehow reflect upon what I have to share,the “lessons” learned, but most of all, the love learned. I do not believe you can love without loss. They are in hand in hand in some form-it doesn’t necessarily mean death, but love and loss are intimately knit.
I belive in doing things for the greater good, but sometimes, there are the few who need to be spoken-especially those of us young people who are dealing with extremely devastating situations like cancer and death. Things that are unexpected for people our age, and subjects to which few peers are willing to openly discuss without running away.
I refuse to What If my life. I miss him, no question. I will always miss him more than I love what I have learned. But the loss softens bit by bit in every hour. And in those particles of faith, I find a strength that is bonding with a love to create a future of hope for those who will also and are also experiencing deep loss.
We’re not here to what if. We’re here to live. And love.