I do a lot of things in my life so that others are proud of me and my accomplishments. In grade school, it was one of the things that drove me to achieve good grades, to get accepted into District band, to lead our youth group and worship band, to work and buy my first car. Certainly these accomplishments all benefited me, but I did many of these things for the pleasure and reaction of others.
I think a lot about Kevin and how he might be proud of me. I think of how he would like that I wear my hair longer. I believe he would be grateful that I gave up my Mary Kay business and pursued writing in its place. He would be happy that all of his fishing knowledge rubbed off on me a bit, and it is still something that I enjoy. He would be happy that I lost some weight and encouraging me to stay healthy. But what about the things he didn’t really know about me that have developed more in the nearly two years since he has passed?
What would he think of my twitter “family” and friends that I have grown to know and love? Would he appreciate that I work 5 jobs and am going back to school? What would he think about the fact that I’m taking anti-depressents to make it through the hard spots and stay concentrated in school? Could he handle the fact that I rarely eat potatoes anymore, considering for the 1.5 years we were married we ate mashed potatoes with almost every meal? What would he think of my hippie-esque lifestyle choices?
There are a lot of things that have come about in my life that he never knew about, that have recently developed, or have come back into my life post-Kevin as I re-adjusted my pursuits. I realize it no longer “matters” if he would be proud, but I cannot help but think if he’d be happy with me. It’s natural I guess-much like we still try to please our parents.
I would like to change my life so I did things that make me proud of myself. I want to be humble, but I also want to look back on my life and be grateful for what I was given and what I achieved. Am I happy working 5 jobs? No. It is really too much. But what do I do when 3 of those jobs are in one place, one gives me a fun afternoon, and the other will help me in the future?
Re-prioritizing is extremely hard. Being proud of yourself can be much harder.