You know what REALLY angers me? When you type a beautifully written post, and somehow your finger hits the one key that deletes it all, and for whatever reason, there is no “undo”. I guess that’s a LOT like my life. How ironic.

….now I have to think of everything that I was typing, and it was SOOOO good to. I felt good writing it, and now *poof* gone. DARNIT.

Lemme think.

Forget my snow bit, yes, it’s snowing, no it’s not warm, sunny, or beachy. *shrugs*. It is pretty, but not exactly what I was hoping for. But it IS only March 2, can’t be too optimistic I guess.

My weekend away was quaint, relaxing and nice. It certainly was lonely and a little too quiet at times, but that’s what I went up there for. It was just a nice escape to be quite honest.

While up there, I browsed the downtown shops and came about one of the stained glass stores. I LOVE stained glass. I’ve always though I’d like to learn, and it turns out, the owner teaches classes! She’ll work around your schedule and you can take a one or two day class. I’m so excited. I think I’m going to go up some weekend in the next few months to learn!

Overall, the weekend was nice. As I was packing up the Jeep on Sunday to come home, I stumbled across Kevin’s favorite steelers hate tucked in a bag in my trunk. I pulled it out, and smelled it, hoping for a whif of him. It wasn’t there. It’s so frustrating that it’s so far past him being gone, I can’t even smell him anymore. I hate that.

It was then that I realized, I was on top of a mountain, in the middle of nowhere, not a neighbor within sight, that I realized I could rage. Yes, I’ve screamed in the car, I’ve sobbed for hours in a pillow asking why, but I haven’t raged openly.

Looking at his hat, remembering how handsome he looked in his cap, made me want to rage at his loss. So I did.

I yelled and cried and screamed and sobbed at God. I told God I hated him, just like I did with my parents when I was a teenager. I asked Him why he had to take my Kevin away, why he couldn’t be spared. Didn’t he have enough up there? I begged and pleading, knowing nothing would change, but knowing that I needed to hand God a big slap for what He had in my book of life. And ya know what? He’s big enough to handle it, so it’s ok to do that!

It felt good! I raged for at least 20 minutes. I paced circles in the driveway, DEFINITELY looking like a mad, crazed lunatic, and it didn’t matter one bit. I came up for relaxation, and ended in rage. Go figure.

But when it was all said and done, when I had screamed my piece at God, I prayed for sight. For my blindness about my life to leave me. For direction and vision. Despite still feeling that mis-understanding, I had set my rage free, and could now ask the big questions. Now what God?

Now what?