I have noticed that I have become eerily aware of time. Today I am 17 weeks and 1 day past Kevin’s death. I am just 1 month and 3 days away from what would’ve been his 37th birthday. I am just 1 month and 1 day past what would’ve been our second wedding anniversary. And I am alone.
I never really measured time that much, except, maybe, when we were going through immigration and I didn’t know when I would see Kevin again. Now that I have nothing to count DOWN to, only the distance remains from when I last saw him; from when I will ever see him here on earth. It is very bitter.
The feelings for today are pretty raw. I have an absolutely….I don’t even know the word, but a FANTASTICALLY AWFUL dream last night. I’ve learned not eat Muenster cheese before bed anymore, because now, both times, I’ve had some WEIRD dreams. This one involved Kevin being returned from the grave, alive, but with all these lesions on his back from the embalming and he couldn’t control anything. It was just devastating. I got in the shower and just rubbed and rubbed my eyes because I wanted that image to go away! I’m sitting here crying because that image is just so disturbing it makes me ill. I put his wedding band on my left index finger today just so I could look at it and think of a happy memory instead of the awful taste of that dream lingering in my brain.
I miss him terribly. I go in these spurts. I always miss him, that’s something that never changes. But I do feel empowered, I think, Kevin wants me to take better care of myself. He would be KICKING my butt getting me back at the gym WEEKS AGO!
He’d be telling me to get off my duff and be with the ones I love and not to seclude myself. He’ d be asking me why I can’t find the “time” or energy to hunker down and really write this novel he asked of me. But he’d also be loving me unconditionally, and looking at me with those gorgeous blue eyes and just…keeping me in his gaze forever.
The waves of grief continue, but thankfully, they’re starting to space out instead of crashing me one after the other. The waves are always lapping, but only occassionally does one knock me over. And I can see the Sun. It’s still behind some pretty gray clouds, but I can see the light start to shine through and the warmth that wants to calm me. I know it’s coming. One of these days, the clouds are gonna break. The waves will always lap, but the crashes will eventually cease. One day.
What I would say (if you want to know) is – listen to Kevin if he’s trying to speak to you. You’re not imagining it; he’s in your heart with you.
I like your image of waves – that’s exactly what it’s like. Eventually the tidal waves do calm down, and then it really is just a gentle lapping. When that happens, you really can just listen to what your love is trying to tell you. Keep counting the days – soon enough, you’ll discover what you’re counting up to.