Superbad.

I will not lie: I am in a BAD place. I thought the 6 month mark was bad. But apparently 16 months sucks too. I am burnt out from school. I am trying extremely hard to connect for more freelance opportunities. I am working 3 jobs besides the freelance. I feel done. I am checked out, but with all the guilt, I just keep trekking away…out of GUILT. The only thing I am doing out of want is freelance. Everything else? Obligation, commitment. Overcommitment.

I want to sleep, but I can’t sleep. My mind is so jumbled, it doesn’t even think before it falls asleep, yet I can’t get to that deep peaceful spot where my body releases the tension and I just sink into a deep sleep. Nope, I wake roughly 3 or 4 times throughout the night, confused, cranky, and hit the snooze about 3 times longer than before. Which means I now hit the snooze 5 times. EEK.

Right now, I kind of hate my life. My apartment needs cleaned, but I have no time. I have friends coming to visit next week who I’m so excited to see, but I’m so tired I can’t imagine being a good host. My grades are struggling because I cannot focus enough to study, and I’ll be lucky if I get a C this semester. Ok, I will definitely AT LEAST get a C, but that will disappoint me coming off of a 4.0 semester!

I love snow, but dangit, I AM SICK OF IT. Go away. You massive piles of gray YUCK, go away. I’m sick of crawling over you and falling into you evertime I get out of my car at the apartment. You melt and make the nastiest puddles that I always step into. I want the grass to be GREEN-you heard me, GREEN, Ireland GREEN. I want to go outside in flip flops. I want to sink my toes in the SAND TO STUDY. I want a sunburn. Yes all you people worried about my insanely pale skin, I WANT A SUNBURN.

I’m angry. Last night I bawled hysterically looking at Kevin’s grace. I’m angry. If he was HERE, I wouldn’t be HERE. I’d be happy.

Instead, I’m in a superbad place. And I hate it. I hate me as THIS. It’s an ugly version of me. Where’s the sun? Where’s my sun? When do I get a break???? When does the world stop and breathe for me for one frickin second so I can start over yet again? When?

Brenda Sieglitz

Brenda Lee Sieglitz is an author and public speaker whose topics focus on travel, grief, and nature. Widowed in 2008 at 24 years of age, Brenda is an advocate for sarcoma patients, the widowed community, and conservation through her volunteerism with the National Park Service, Lancaster County Conservancy, Pennsylvania Master Naturalist, Hospice of Lancaster County, Soaring Spirits International, Angiosarcoma Awareness and Highmark Caring Place. Brenda won the 2009 Associated Content “Content of the Year” award, and in 2011 was named one of Wyndham Women’s “Women on their Way”. Most recently her love and loss memoir, Ebb from the Shoreline, won 1st Place Editor’s Choice in Nonfiction at the 2014 North American Book Awards. Sieglitz holds a degree in business and became a Pennsylvania Master Naturalist in 2015. In her spare time, she adores playing with her two nieces, going on family adventures with her husband, stepdaughter and son-in-law, hiking, camping and is working to complete her bucket list dream of visiting all National Park units. Sieglitz has been married to her best friend Dave since 2013 and continues to reside in Lancaster County with their two beagles Scotch and Fina.

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Comments 3

  1. annie March 3, 2010

    It’s always tempting to give advice, but I’m not going to.

    I will say this instead. I was where you are once and it got better. Not overnight or because of anything magical that I did or life provided, but life did get better.

    You’re tired. You’re overbooked. It magnifies everything.

    I’m sorry you’re having a tough time.

  2. missy March 3, 2010

    I,m sorry you are having a very rough time too…..
    missy from the bayou…..a stranger who lost her husband last June.

  3. Jen March 3, 2010

    I hear you, and I’ve so been there. (Still am, some days.) About the only thing that helps for me is to narrow my focus to today. Or maybe just this minute. Letting my mind go forward into the future can get me so anxious and riled up and overwhelmed, and of course thinking about the past and what I’ve lost is a recipe for misery too. But concentrating on this day — what to eat if I’m hungry, celebrating driving safely to the grocery store, feeling grateful that I didn’t forget the key item I went out to buy, getting my daughter to bed relatively on time — just taking one step at a time, putting one foot in front of the other, seems to calm me and make life bearable.

    You’re so right — it sucks to be HERE. That’s just all there is to it.

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