I will not lie: I am in a BAD place. I thought the 6 month mark was bad. But apparently 16 months sucks too. I am burnt out from school. I am trying extremely hard to connect for more freelance opportunities. I am working 3 jobs besides the freelance. I feel done. I am checked out, but with all the guilt, I just keep trekking away…out of GUILT. The only thing I am doing out of want is freelance. Everything else? Obligation, commitment. Overcommitment.
I want to sleep, but I can’t sleep. My mind is so jumbled, it doesn’t even think before it falls asleep, yet I can’t get to that deep peaceful spot where my body releases the tension and I just sink into a deep sleep. Nope, I wake roughly 3 or 4 times throughout the night, confused, cranky, and hit the snooze about 3 times longer than before. Which means I now hit the snooze 5 times. EEK.
Right now, I kind of hate my life. My apartment needs cleaned, but I have no time. I have friends coming to visit next week who I’m so excited to see, but I’m so tired I can’t imagine being a good host. My grades are struggling because I cannot focus enough to study, and I’ll be lucky if I get a C this semester. Ok, I will definitely AT LEAST get a C, but that will disappoint me coming off of a 4.0 semester!
I love snow, but dangit, I AM SICK OF IT. Go away. You massive piles of gray YUCK, go away. I’m sick of crawling over you and falling into you evertime I get out of my car at the apartment. You melt and make the nastiest puddles that I always step into. I want the grass to be GREEN-you heard me, GREEN, Ireland GREEN. I want to go outside in flip flops. I want to sink my toes in the SAND TO STUDY. I want a sunburn. Yes all you people worried about my insanely pale skin, I WANT A SUNBURN.
I’m angry. Last night I bawled hysterically looking at Kevin’s grace. I’m angry. If he was HERE, I wouldn’t be HERE. I’d be happy.
Instead, I’m in a superbad place. And I hate it. I hate me as THIS. It’s an ugly version of me. Where’s the sun? Where’s my sun? When do I get a break???? When does the world stop and breathe for me for one frickin second so I can start over yet again? When?