Last night, after a day (and well weeks) of fretful thinking over the pain of getting a tattoo, the possibility of infection or allergic reaction, and simply just wanting to wimp out, I sucked it up and got a permanent memorial around my right ankle to Kevin. Something unique, something completely him, yet beautiful and classic. No regrets, and not even that painful (although, it had its moments).
Today? Today I feel a sense of calm. A quiet release of being ‘done’, of moving forward, of knowing that quite soon the chapter of school is done for a little while, that the gorgeous season of Summer is being ushered in, and that the season of healing is progressing beautifully.
I am still feeling a bit lost on how I fit into my own skin ironically. The many hats I wear throughout the day are wearing out, and some just do not fight quite right anymore. My social butterfly planning self is shutting down a bit: allowing me to hold closely the friends who continually amaze me, and to quiet down the things that make me more manic than comforted. The 5 jobs part of me is also wearing quite thin. I’m learning to say ‘no’ to just accepting every shift I can, and delegating to the co-workers who can take more. I want to enjoy this life, without always having to answer a phone call or run to another town. When I have a night off, I want a night off. So where in that does my writing fit? Right now? Nowhere. I still feel slightly uninspired with blogging, freelancing, and working on my Memoir. I wonder if some of that is due to the anti-depressants, new relationships, or just not having enough time to really delve into my deep thoughts. I think it’s mostly the latter-not ever really setting down to get into that moment, to feel the depth of that pain, that memory, of those happy moments we once had. Two weeks from now? Yes, two weeks from now I’m delving in.
But today is a bit of a release, a lot of recognition, and looking forward to moving forward in whatever ways I can.