Yes, the lump. The one that sticks it self right in your upper chest/lower throat area when you’re sad, grieving, anxious, angry, whatever. I started getting this lump right when Kevin was first put on the vent. I’ve never before had anxiety attacks, but I started to when Kev got more and more sick. Today, for whatever reason, that lump is back. I don’t feel super anxious, and I think I’m still battling this bug, so I’m not sure what’s it’s there for. But I don’t like it. It almost feels like I can’t comfortably take a full breath. Argh. Darn depression symptoms.
In good news, I checked out the apartment on W. Orange street today and FELL IN LOVE. The landlord is super nice, it’s straight up the stairs, so no turns to get into it. It’s pretty cheap, it’s a good layout, nice kitchen, refinished hardwood floors, new windows, freshly painted, balcony, open back yard, and just quaint. By quaint I mean SMALL. But small that I can handle.
I think my lump may be due to my brain wrapping itself around moving AGAIN. Not just moving, but moving since Kev’s passing. Being out in the real world again. EEK. I have that excited/nervous feeling, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m so glad Kristi is going to be joining me for a few months. It will be VERY cozy with 2 people living there, but to have her company there I think is really going to help me adjust. I don’t know that I could be completely on my own quite yet.
I’m thinking about all the stuff I have-where it’s all going to fit. But, the fact is, what doesn’t, I’ll sell or pass on. That’s just the simplest way to put. I want to live simply. Kevin and I did that to the best of our abilities, and I want to do it more so now. I want to ahve a nice, simple apartment with fun, but tasteful funky decor, freedom to move around, a good place to WANT to cook so I can stop spending so much money on eating out, and a place for my wonderful cat Darrell to roam. I think this place will be perfect for it.
Please pray that he’ll aprove me. My credit is shot from, well, everything Kevin and I have gone through in the past 2 years with moving, immigration, then the illness. He said that I seem trustworthy and nice, and that he won’t discount me on my credit, thank God. I have great rental references, and he’s fine with Kristi as a roommate, and having Darrell in the apartment. So…all I need it to submit the application and him to say yes. I could be moving within the week. EEEEEEEK
I’m freaking out. I’ll admit it. Now that it’s down to it, it’s like OH MY WORD. MORE CHANGE. I really pray it works out that I don’t have to move for a longtime. I’d like in a small apartment for years by myself if it meant to finally have some stability, to have some grounding. I miss uncomplication. I’m ready for regular, non-medical related mail, an apartment where my only worries are paying the rent and cleaning out Darrell’s litter box. I am looking forward to LIVING AGAIN.
But to live again, I have to pack up. I don’t plan to make it one HUGE moving day, although, that still may be simplest. I think I’ll just sort of start taking stuff over once I get approved for it-AND I WILL, lol. Then, maybe the weekend of the 7th, get some brawny men (thanks volunteers already) to lug up my bed, and the heavier boxes. I still don’t know if the couch will fit, but if it doesn’t, I’ll sell it and buy a futon for Kristi to sleep on instead. (the couch is a MASSIVE sofa bed).
So….*deep breath*. It looks like I’ll be moving soon. Wow. Real life.
Back to full time hours most likely starting on Tuesday…moving possibly the following week….getting my kitty back. Wow. I really am moving forward. It kind of freaks me out a bit. In a good way, I think.
Hey chica! well, we are planning on being down the weekend 6-8. and if you and kristi get the apartment,we would love to help! let me know! love yah!
Good for you! I hope you get the apartment and some stability you need!
Thinking of you always….
P.s.-why not used your blog,daily inputs to put together the book? The blogs are so interesting-all you need to do is write a foreward-and then rest would tell the whole story!!!!
I am hoping and praying that the apartment will work out for you Brenda…and simple is a good thing! Take care and keep blogging
I remember “the lump”. Don’t let it make you inmobile.