Uncertainty

Today’s emotion: Uncertain

I feel very “bleh” when it comes to making decisions on my own right now. For example, ordering new checks today. It felt weird with my name, my new address.

Planning some vacations without Kevin’s input. Should I or shouldn’t I? Who do I want to go with? How much am I willing to/is responsible to spend on it?

I just feel almost like I’m cheating him out of our life. But then I refocus and go, Bren, he’s not here anymore. It’s your decision to make. I feel like I need to step up to the plate and be independent on these things, but it just feels wrong to do so. The feelings of making decisions without his input feelings…is not good.

I bounced all my ideas off of Kevin. We discussed everything and always had great communication. He knew what I was thinking, he could help me to judge things accordingly and look at all the aspects. My sometimes irrational ideas, he’d put into his filter and spit out a good result. Now what?

I am trying to push forward and make these decisions for my own benefit, but it doesn’t help the feelings go away. It just feels wrong and cheated.

I really hate dreary days-have I mentioned how we need the sun and warmth? I NEED the sun and warmth. Needless to say, no wonder some of the vacations I’m planning are surrounded by nothing but sun and warmth. And ya know, there’s nothing wrong with that! Frankly, Kevin would definitely be the first one to ok my thoughts on vacations and trips this year, because I know he’d love them as well.

But still, the uncertainty lies in my brain. I’m coming down the 3 week time period before meeting with the lawyers for settling everything and doing the taxes. I’m having major anxiety about both, mainly because, to be honest, I’ve been avoiding all the mail for Kevin and anything estate-related for the past 4 months. Bad, I know, but, it’s how I’m just sort of dealing with-by not dealing with. So now the time has come when I HAVE to deal with it-no wonder I have anxiety about it!

Again, uncertainty.

Go away uncertainty and usher in some clear motives.

Brenda Sieglitz

Brenda Lee Sieglitz is an author and public speaker whose topics focus on travel, grief, and nature. Widowed in 2008 at 24 years of age, Brenda is an advocate for sarcoma patients, the widowed community, and conservation through her volunteerism with the National Park Service, Lancaster County Conservancy, Pennsylvania Master Naturalist, Hospice of Lancaster County, Soaring Spirits International, Angiosarcoma Awareness and Highmark Caring Place. Brenda won the 2009 Associated Content “Content of the Year” award, and in 2011 was named one of Wyndham Women’s “Women on their Way”. Most recently her love and loss memoir, Ebb from the Shoreline, won 1st Place Editor’s Choice in Nonfiction at the 2014 North American Book Awards. Sieglitz holds a degree in business and became a Pennsylvania Master Naturalist in 2015. In her spare time, she adores playing with her two nieces, going on family adventures with her husband, stepdaughter and son-in-law, hiking, camping and is working to complete her bucket list dream of visiting all National Park units. Sieglitz has been married to her best friend Dave since 2013 and continues to reside in Lancaster County with their two beagles Scotch and Fina.

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