I want to anywhere but here, but for right now, I’m meant to be here.
When the grief swallows my heart and dreams I’d do anything I can to be somewhere else
Living an easier life without so much pain and distress.
What looks on the outside like abundance is on the inside an escape to things I don’t want to feel.
This morning I wanted to do anything but begin my work day. Couldn’t I just have a day off from this? But then what would I do? I’d keep myself busy hour-upon-hour trying to distance my mind from going to its point of contention: grief. It’s been a complicated summer – one that brought up a whole new slew of connections and triggers related to losing Kevin. It reminds me so much that I rarely know what is going on in someone else’s life and what they are battling. This summer feels best keeping close to my sleeve yet that also makes it tough to process the grief.
My therapist (yep, I’m back there) tells me to live with chaos. Anyone who knows me knows that chaos is not my best attribute. Don’t get my wrong, my life is often filled with chaos, but it doesn’t mean it’s something I do well at. I’ve used every escape mechanism within my tool box: thinking about a career change, dreaming of a different house, moving to a different town, buying something new-to-me – I’ve thought about and explored and am exploring all these things to distract myself from the pain I feel. But it doesn’t take it away, it only prolongs what I eventually must feel. My motto of “I need to feel it to get through it” keeps spinning circles in my mind and I’m trying to give myself time and allowances to stop and feel these emotions and deal with them.
The thing is, I’m really sick of grief. Like, really, really sick of it. If I could have a break, that would be just great. But no matter how much I try to run away from it, it chases me and swallows me up. It’s inescapable and I’m just tired and don’t really want to deal with it. Isn’t there some kind of hall pass to get me out of this? I know I must have felt this way almost 7 years ago right after Kevin died but this feels different. Probably because it’s been so long and I think I’d like to treat each grief-related event on its own. But nope-that’s not how it works. When one thing happens it triggers another and so on. I deal with them different, yet the same.
How do you give yourself a break from the stress of grief? And in turn, how do you find the breath to deal with it for a while?