When Kevin & I were married, we weighed all decisions together. It was a balance between who liked what activities, our budget, and generally what we felt like doing. In my “single” life, I find it extremely hard to make a decision. Most people see me as quite independent, strong willed, a kind of “I do my thing when I want to do my thing” kind of gal. But tonight? Tonight I could not decide. Isaac’s for a cocktail dessert, and free wifi? The typically crowded Prince St cafe with teeny boppers galore? Sitting across from the art college with no wifi? I need to write, I want to write, but I could not get my mind wrapped around where I wanted to begin.
So here I sit, with my caramel coffee smoothie, free wifi, at Prince St. cafe. The book file is not even opened, and instead I’m organizing my downloaded music. Oh, and a Toyota Prius just drove down the street with an insanely flat tire and not a CLUE. I’m surrounded by 20-something smokers, hanging out on the town, and occasionally the random happy trendy couple, or older man dressed in a suit and tie for the theater walk by. I am uninspired, yet inspired. My life right now is quite joyful, and I want to complete the joy, to work towards the dream, to be inspired.
I want to be healthful, and happy, and in love, and a writer.
Right now, it seems I am not deciding to do that. I am constantly asking others what they think, how they feel, worrying about their opinions on what I am DOING. Did I not just blog about not wanting to live by the judgment of others? Obviously that goal so far has been an epic #fail.
I want to stop questioning my every move. Worried of what people will think that I have found some happiness with someone else, struggling to come to grips with moving forward, yet not forgetting, looking over my shoulder worried at the concerns of friends and family as I divide my time between a new friend, school, work, my passions and hobbies, constantly questioning why I am doing things? But when it is all weighed out I am so happy. This new phase of life is infinitely full of joy and much less struggle. I am content, I am enjoying the company of others, the hobbies that I have found, the company that I keep, the places where I spend my time. I do not question, but I wonder what you question.
Living for others is not living at all. Few people really live. How many times do you do things for others benefit, simply because it is socially the correct and right thing to do? I believe that 90% of society does things because it LOOKS good, not because it is. We go to church and do volunteer duties because it is right in our social circles. Not always, but many do. I get up and keep a 9-5 job because that’s just what we do-I need to pay the bills, and it looks good. Sure, my job is nice, but it’s just that, a job. We do these things to keep a way of life that is materialistic, not really soul beneficial.
What is feeding our soul? Who decides what we feed it? We choose, or we let others decide for us-we let others determine our future. I don’t want that, and neither do you. I can weigh the benefits of what is bad versus good, and most choices I make are for the good, even if they are not always socially acceptable. However, because all the people around me judge things based on societal standards, it can be deemed right or wrong simply by that; not by individual situation, or personality trait, or just knowing what would be good for someone.
I want to step out of that, out of the shadow of what is good for you, and into the light of what makes me happy, what fulfills my dreams, what completes my heart, and repairs my soul.
I think all of us go through this at stages throughout our lives. It’s so easy to fall into whatever “rut” we find ourselves languishing in – the change, though very much wanted, is scary and so we resist.
I also think it’s about nourishing the healthy relationships – those people who will truly support you, no matter what your choices – and about being strong enough to leave the rest behind, no matter how much a part of our lives they are.