I missed blogging on the official 11th month, and I’m ok with that. So yes, 11 months has come and gone and as I approach the year, I am trying to rid myself of the anxiety leading up to that day. While it’s hard to not think of it, it does not help me to dwell on such a horrific day. It just freezes my life and doens’t allow me to process or move forward.
I felt ambition yesterday for the first time in a long while. I actually walked, yes I went for a walk in the evening. Courtesy of Black Stone Cherry & Marc Broussard, the tunes kept me moving and pumping heading from West to North to East across the city. It felt good, and the cool breeze of Fall was a welcome feel.
I feel a lot of mixed emotions regarding my future and where and what I want to be. I have good direction for what I would like to do, but putting a plan into action and feeling confident in making a sole decision is so hard for me.
I have always relied on my friends and family to give me direction, and I especially relied on Kevin to help me make decisions. Despite having done a lot in my life, I have done a lot with a lot of input. In some ways, it is like I leave my life in the hands of friends and family and never make a decision just based on my reasoning. I guess I just do not have a lot of confidence in making a decision completely by myself. The interesting thing is, and not to sound conceited, but I know myself and my thought process very well. I know I have made decisions in my life that people have thought I was crazy for, or that I did out of rash motives, but that has never been the case. Yes, I used to live more spontaneously, but I always weigh every decision in my life so carefully. I ask for input, for direction, I seek prayer. It does not mean I always let all this input make the decision for me, but I do carefully consider and weigh how it will not only effect me, but all parties involved. This is especially true for my friends and family. What they think about me, and the decisions I make has probably always been one of the most important things in my life. I still want it to be, but in some ways, I think….it’s time to step out into my skin.
To trust myself. To believe in what talents I have. To see my strengths and embrace them rather than just dwelling on my weaknesses. To seek professional help for that which I cannot overcome, and to make my life decisions based on my wants, needs, and what good I can do on this earth.
I want to honor my past, yes. But I need to honor my future, as an individual. As Brenda Boitson…As the person who was put on this earth to do ________.