I don’t have a title, because my thoughts are so jumbled. It has been a rollercoaster 24 hours. I am not sure if it is the accumulation of hormones, my roomie being out of town, approaching 11 months, approaching 1 year, dreams about Kevin, changing in the seasons, upcoming weddings of friends, or just plain grief. Most possibly, it is the combination of all the triggers that are caused by grief.
I did not go to Griefshare last night. I did not get done with a Mary Kay appointment until 6:45 and I could not find in myself the energy to go into a group to discuss my emotions. It felt too consuming for even myself to handle.
After a lot of thought and discussion with friends, I feel that one to one therapy may be the best option at this point. It will cost money, which is going to be hard to come by, but it will be well worth the investment.
I find in groups that I feel left out. I am the “Oh my God, you are so young” widow, and that alone is quite uncomfortable. I stick out like a sore thumb despite our similarities in the grief journey. Unfortunately, there are no, and I repeat NO, local young adult grief support groups. Even the local hospice only offers a young loss support group about once a year. I’m not sure if it’s because there are so few of us, or if it’s because so few reach out for help, but either way, the support just is not there in numbers. However, if any of you know of any young loss specific support groups, please pass information my way.
I spent the night sitting on my couch, ordering in chinese, and then bawling myself to sleep. How was your night? It was healing in some ways I guess-it was something that was needed in all parts…the relaxation, the comfort food, and the release. But this morning my eyes are like puffy softballs which is none too appealing to even me. I feel drained, emotionally, physically, spiritually.
I heard what should be encouraging news from friends this morning, and well, *shrugs*. I don’t know what to say, how to deal. I have mentioned before that grief has brought about this very bitter, cynical side to my personality. I see it in others who are grieving as well, so I know it’s very familiar to grief. It is hard for me to rejoice in a rebirth of a relationship when I never got that miracle. While I want to feel joy for this, happiness, I do not. I can only think of the miracle I prayed for, and was not chosen to receive. A good friend told me that sometimes we just have to chalk it up to life isn’t fair, and I got the sucky end of it. I agree.
The waves of emotions continue. It is an absolute onslaught of negativity, grief, depression, sadness, and frankly, don’t give a crap about anything type of emotion. I don’t like it, but I am dealing with it. So don’t be angry or snappy or take anything personally right now, I’m just trudging through trying not to sink as the tsunami hits. Once again.