3 Years: A Day that is Mine

I woke up this morning and didn’t immediately think of it.  And when I did, when I realized it was Friday, October 28, 2011, I said to myself “Am I going to freak?  No, I’m O.K.”

I am O.K.

When Kevin died I was anything but O.K. despite the fronts that I put on to make it through the day, to feel like less of a burden to those around me.  For the first year or so, Tuesday mornings around 8 a.m. SUCKED.  For months, every single Tuesday around 8 I would feel the weight of his loss on me.  Recalling walking back into the hospital room after calling family to tell them that I did not believe Kevin would make it through the day.  Walking in and watching him take his last breaths.  An image ingrained in my brain like a branding seal of what owned me.

I still remember that morning and nothing will ever make that moment happy or satisfactory, but the devastating emotions that I attached to that morning no longer come with it when I flash to it.  I remember, recall, and then can get on with my life.  I am O.K.

Today after I finish work I will spend the afternoon with people I love enjoying music that I love in a cool place.  It is a new time in my life.  It has become time to recapture all the days that Kevin’s death took from me.  This year has been about taking back my life for my own benefit, to create new happy memories to recall on these sad days instead of just the horrible ones.  I can have both.  I can feel both.  I can live in a world of both.

As 8 am rolls past, it having been 3 entire years since I last beheld life in Kevin’s body, I will remember.  I will feel that pang of loss, that heartache and heartbeat that recognizes he is not actively a part of my life.  And then I will go on with  my day and be laughing and dancing and clanking a beer tonight enjoying the day that is still mine.

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Comments 10

  1. Sending big gian hugs to you today! TJ died at 1:40 pm on a Sunday afternoon. I will never forget it, but I am still able to celebrate my survival through this crazy grief journey. I hope you have a wonderful evening with friends. I will raise a glass to you & Kevin tonight as well.

  2. Great post Bren. I support you 100% and I know Kevin would want you to do just as you are. Remembering but not dwelling on the ” moment ” that it happened. You’re in my thoughts today.

  3. Fantastic post Brenda!

  4. Yes..it it hard and full of emotions…life goes on and we will make the best of it…filling it with all new memories….we stil hold on the old but still not the same…..odd how the day and time will always be with us..You are and will always be in my prayers….glad I met you and you are a wonderful and beautiful person…..

  5. Thanks so much Joanne!

  6. Thank you Hillary!

  7. I completely agree Ash – he would want me to embrace every day.

  8. Those times etch in our brains, don’t they? Thanks Sandy 🙂

  9. Hugs and love to you today. You have a wonderful outlook and positive spirit, your embrace of both is inspiring. ((hugs))

  10. Thanks Erin!

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