Beyond the Tears

I can’t remember one time throughout this entire journey that I sat down and blogged while crying. I don’t know how I got through 4 months without crying while blogging, but for whatever reason, the tears always came at different times.

That time is tonight though. The pain reaches far beyond the tears I shed. I just no longer believe that tears are powerful enough to hold the pain that causes them. Nor are they, at times, powerful enough to hold the joy that causes them. But both times they flow freely.

I made the mistake of watching one of my favorite movies tonight, Bridget Jones’ Diary. It humors me so, and it still did to a point. But the love that is shown in the end…that final kiss when they are FINALLY together. It just kills. I felt so raw to watch that moment. Beyond any pangs of loneliness I felt in my single days, the pangs I felt tonight with losing Kev are just so beyond the tears.

I find that mornings and nights are the absolute hardest. There is no waking to him…there is no kissing him goodnight, except in my dreams, and now my dreams are so bitter. The reality bites so hard sometimes that my jaw just doesn’t unclench…as I am doing now.

My heart just wants to cry out, but there are no screams loud enough. My brain just wants me to cease thinking because it hurts so badly. My soul aches so much that all the ibuprofen in the world would not take this ache away. There are just absolutely no words to describe this type of grief. It is unexpected, and devastating, and destroying….and sadly, so real.


I am so sorry. I know my dear friends are crying reading this. I am sorry to bring that to you, but I just don’t know how else to put it out there. WHY???????????????????????????

This amazingly horrible disease took this awesomely beautiful man.

I just don’t understand it. I don’t. I do believe there is a plan, but tonight….in my mind, tonight, that plan is SO NOT WORTH THIS.

I know me, and I know tomorrow I will be restored with the belief and faith that the plan is far greater. I just wish that part of the plan was to keep us together for a long life ahead.

Ugh. I am sorry. No, I’m not sorry. You have all said about how expressive I have been, how raw. Well, tonight, unfortunately, you get a full dose of it. It’s beyond words that I can say, and I can only get this out by typing (thankfully, I type fast!) my thoughts as they come.

I am weak. I am lost. I am suffering. I am devastated. I am in unimagineable pain. I am lonely. I miss my husband. This just feels so horrible.

……… is, beyond the tears. Please pray for me tonight. This is just too real tonight. Too real.

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Comments 4

  1. Hey Brenda,
    It is better to let it all out and not hold it in. You are strong and will get through this but only if you allow yourself to feel the pain. I pray that during this difficut time you find peace and comfort. (yes, your blog makes me cry) for two reasons, one because It is all around unfair and sad and two you are so honest and open that we almost feel as if we are actually experiencing it with you. You are an awesome writer by the way. I wondered if you knew this before you had this experience???. You write so well.
    I know that god has a plan for everyone but at times like this it is unbelievably hard to understand how or why “the Plan” would include this pain. My mom is 64 years old, she has been recently diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. She never smoked a cigarette in her life. She worked out, she ate well, she has a heart of gold, she believes in god. She does everything we are supposed to do to live a good life both physically and spiritually. She has lung cancer. Lung cancer has the worse survival rates than most of the major cancers put together. It is hard to understand how this could be part of some “Plan”. I am terrified to lose her. I am praying for a miracle. I am praying that she doesn’t suffer. I am praying mostly for strength. I do not feel that I am anywhere near as strong as you are and at the end of the day, there is a “plan” and no matter what we do, it will be gods will so we can only pray for strength to get through it.
    Tonite, I will pray for my mom and for you. That God gives you the strength to get through another day and that tommorow you will maybe feel a bit less sad.

    Take Care

  2. Thank you for allowing us to see your heart. It is so beautiful, even in the midst of this pain. I cry for you, I ache for you – but I know that I do not have any idea of the full extent of the pain. Thank you for sharing with us the love and the joy and the heartache and loss. I know it must feel at times like you have been forgotten, but know that you’re God has not forgotten you, no matter how desperate this seems. He remains steadfast, even if so much remains a mystery. Keep fighting – so much remains even though I know it must seem everything has been lost. I love you, Brenda. You are so amazing.

  3. There is nothing I can say or do but know that I love you and I cannot imagine your pain. Just and fyi Love you!

  4. I agree…it does seem unfair right now. Trust God and one day he will show you what his plan was. I am sure the pain is unbearable at times but I also know that you are a strong woman and you will be able to get through this. We are all here for you and just reading your blogs we can feel your pain. I love your never ending strength and ability to keep fighting no matter what! And I agree…you have an amazing writing ability. Maybe you can keep his memory alive by writing a book about Kevin, your life together, and his battle with this horrible cancer; and donate the proceeds to a Sarcoma foundation. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

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