Don’t Worry

…the last time I didn’t blog for a few days, was when Kevin passed. I promise, DO NOT WORRY, it is now a few days without blogging and trust me…I am doing just fine.

I have been enjoying my relaxation in Sunny California so much. The weather has been beyond phenomenal for December in Northern California. Today was the first day where it was cool and foggy for the entire day as we ventured into San Francisco. Yesterday, we spent a beautiful sunny day in the Napa Wine Valley and it was just amazing.

I am now just relaxing and enjoying my last 36 hours here in California before moving forward to my second leg of my journey in wet Seattle. I am very anxious for my Seattle trip, as not only will I be visiting a good friend there, but we’ll also be travelling to Mt. St. Helens and Portland, all places that I’ve never been. It’s hard to imagine I spent 6 months of my life living just hours away from all these beautiful places, and never took the time to visit them. I guess I was just too busy enjoying my Montana life.

Yesterday I missed Kevin a lot, because more and more, I just know how much he would truly enjoy this trip. But I also know he’s with me always in my mind and soul. He would be so happy that I’m taking this trip. I’m starting to get the courage to talk to strangers about my situation and met some amazing strangers at some of the vineyards on my trip yesterday. I got to share with them a tidbit of my journey, and to pass along my blog and my hope to turn it into a novel. Even the strangers are on board with my dream, and that is so neat. It feels good to openly talk about my experience, without breaking down for once.

It’s nice to be able to pick and choose when I want to talk about my pain, my life, my love. It’s just nice to remember without the pain all the time. I am truly starting to reflect upon my love with Kevin, rather than just mourn my love with Kevin.

Tomorrow will be a low key day of laundry, some lunch with my friend Deb’s wonderful daughter, and then a family dinner tomorrow night before I leave on Tuesday morning. It’s been such a wonderful, perfectly timed trip for me, and for Deborah too, who recently lost her mother and has been through a lot of tragedy in her life as well. There is such a bond there, and I truly feel like I have another family here in California now.

The story of Deborah, is that we met about a year ago on (a site referred to me by a cousin), on the Outdoor People forum. We chatted and chatted, and she bonded with me especially after Kevin was diagnosed, as her daughter was diagnosed with a sarcoma just a few years ago. It’s so interesting how people are placed in your life for certain reasons. She told me before Kevin passed that we could visit anytime, and I told her we would when Kevin was feeling better. So now…Kevin is in his new body in heaven, and I can visit since he’s feeling better. How ironic.

So, next journey is on to visit my good friend Tom whom I have known for probably….8 years or so? He’s a great friend I met through my Saturn club days (that many of you remember), and he is stationed in Bangor, Washington on the naval base there. He serves as a fire control technician on the USS Ohio submarine. It’ll be good to visit him again, and to explore this part of the Pacific Northwest. I am quite excited, as this is one part of the country I have never explored!

When I get home, I’ll have a week to re-adjust before my Mother in law, Linda, flies in for a week over Christmastime. It will be nice to be with each other for these rough first holidays without Kevin. the new year, my hope is to find a job, continue writing the book and put more focus on that, get done with all the paperwork, bills, and all that mess, and possibly by February consider getting out on my own two feet. It’s not a rush-it’s wonderful being with my parents. However, I’ve been living on my own, or with Kevin, for about 5 years. It will be nice to feel independent again, and to sort of forge this new path.

It is my goal to not make any big goals/commitments for a year. That means no huge career commitments, no huge moves to other areas, no full out commitment to organizations, churches, etc..and so on. Just kind of finding baby steps to take that feel right for right now. One step at a time. It’s the best advice I’ve heard so far about grieving.

I am looking forward to recommitting to the gym, eating more healthy, and just generally feeling better with my body and soul. It will be good to reconnect with myself again and figure out what it was that I used to like to do before this mess happened. And I’m sure I’ll find old things just aren’t fun anymore, and some new things are very fun. All to be found in the future. I’m hopefuly, and faithful, that God will open the doors for me. I’m also praying He puts a big flashing sign on top of the door as well, just so I’m sure 🙂

Wishing you all a wonderful week in snowy, cold Pennsylvania and Winnipeg (hehe). Sorry-I have to rub it in a LITTLE bit. Pictures to come in the next few days I hope. Love you all, and leave some love. I miss all your comments!

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Comments 1

  1. I am glad that you are enjoying yourself on this vacation. I know that it must be hard at times for you but you seem to really be letting yourself take care of you…if that makes sense. That’s really cool that you have been able to talk to people about your life and not break down and even have more supporters for your novel! 🙂 I hope you enjoy your nice weather out there and I am sure that when it is time for you to return to PA it will still be cold for you to enjoy…hehehe!!! 🙂

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