When I say words ending with “ion” in my head I do it with an Adam Sandler voice. I believe somewhere in the history of TV, movies or in my generally freaked out personality Adam Sandler would say words ending in “tion” or “ion” where his tone goes high with a question mark ending. Today’s word is frustratION.
I get frustrated a LOT. I wonder if it’s any more than the average person (whoever that is) or if I just get sick of putting on the happy face and being grateful for my situation (grateful typed with the greatest sneer I can find). I could go on a list of the things I am/should be grateful about but they all seem to be annulled by the shit that’s bad or has gone wrong in my life. Call me bitter.
I had no clue what to blog about today but another writer friend (Thanks Janet Ober) told me a Ted Talk inspires her to write about what she feels. Oh my, well, today Frustration is top on the list.
Frustration Fridays have been a common occurrence in my life. Probably most of my frustrations on Fridays stem from professional situations. Frustration with how businesses are run. Frustrations with being stuck behind a desk when it’s beautiful outside and answering phones for three different businesses. Frustrations at not accruing much paid time off, not using my degree to all my abilities, crappy health care plans, bills that keep coming with a pay that barely covers them. It all builds up on Friday and I get pissed. I’m disappointed at my situation because I am SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS. Slowly things are breaking through but nothing permanent, nothing earth shattering, nothing that’s changing my day-to-day situation. So then after work on Fridays I got to therapy in this frustration mode spending money that my crappy health insurance doesn’t cover and vent about my day-to-day crap. I’m frustrated.
Mostly in life I feel pretty damn stuck right now. I am in a rut so big that I have no clue how to climb out. Most of it is professional, but some of it is also personal. The ties that are binding me don’t have much stretch. Some ties have completely broken and I can’t seem to work past them or let them go. One friendship in particular is 95% non existent and I wonder what the hell happened to it? Was I such a failure at friendship or did we just go our separate ways? I don’t feel OK with either of those reasons for its destruction.
What about my future? Yep, I typed it, FUTURE. I’m dreaming again and it’s fudging terrifying. I’m afraid that if I stretch other ropes, they’re going to break and suddenly my family is hurt, dead, or hates that I will have moved forward in my life and I’ll be all alone. If I stretch the other rope what will happen to that relationship-will they come with me, how will their life allow me to pursue my own when I’m not ready to test it?
I have so many securities and comforts right now, things that are just getting me by.
Let me reiterate this so that maybe my Frustrated Friday brain can understand this:
I HAVE MANY SECURITIES AND COMFORTS THAT ARE JUST GETTING ME BY.
Wow, sounds thrilling reading that doesn’t it? *blank stare* Yeah, I didn’t think so.
I’m sick of the mundane. I get exotic thrills out of just getting outside for an hour to hike, that’s how desperate my body is to scratch at a life outside of this box, this desk, this mindset, this fear.
I’m so frustrated with MYSELF. I feel like I’m failing because I can’t get out of this fudging rut. I have built this comfort zone when it all went to hell and now I have no clue how the heck to get out. I’m making “plans” and stretching myself so financially and mentally thin to pay off bills so that maybe some financial freedom will boot me out of this, but in the meantime I’m so stressed about how to pay everything I just get frustrated, disappointed, and feel like a failure 24/7.
Frustration Friday Fail. So, there’s “inspiration” for ya folks. That’s how I feel. Blarg. When you see me type blarg on twitter, now you know what it means!