We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

-2 Corinthians 4:16 (NIV)
Interestingly, I am feeling the exact opposite. I feel like inwardly I am wasting away, while outwardly I am looking/doing fine. Just a verse I ran across today…
Today is the LAST of the Christmas dinners, and I’m grateful for that. I’m Christmased out, and I am sick of trying to “celebrate” when I feel so gloomy. I can’t figure out what to do for the New Year, and while I want to do SOMETHING, part of me wants to do nothing but sit at home and watch movies all night. Is that so bad?
I’m just ready for the New Year to be here, to start my job, to make some plans and decisions, and to get stuff done. I’m sick of trying to be happy and celebrate during a season when I feel so alone and abandoned. I feel happy at times, and completely destroyed the next, and I never know when it’s going to hit me.
Continue to pray that I’m lifted up in the New Year, with my new routine ahead, and that I find some peace in my decisions about life. Thanks all……I appreciate all your support through all this.

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Comments 3

  1. It is okay to feel the way that you do…not that you need permission to have your feelings. Maybe you should take some time for yourself and stay at home and watch movies for New Years if that is what you really want to do. Take care of yourself and I hope that this new year will bring a fresh beginning for you and the road that is ahead of you!

  2. Hi Brenda, Just wanted to share a bit with you. Long ago, my father died suddenly of a massive heart attack. It was Nov. 2nd. The holidays were coming up and I dreaded them.
    At the time, my children were little. I was very close to my dad, and him being the first family member I lost, plus the very first funeral I ever attended, it was horrible for me. I got through Thanksgiving and Christmas because I had to do it. I even found it hard to pray for a couple months. People told me time will make it hurt less. Didn’t want to hear that. I was sure I’d never get over it. It took me a year before I could even say “My dad died.” I’d say “when that happened to my dad.” Had to put his pictures away too.
    Well, after a year it began to get better to my surprise. I know losing your husband is on a different level than a parent and I feel bad for you when I read how your heart is aching.
    I can understand how at this time of year it is even worse. Happiness around you makes your pain keener now. I want to encourage you as the new year starts, and you begin your new job. I truly believe when you are working again that will help a great deal.
    Less time to think constantly of your loss. It’s very true that life isn’t fair and bad things do happen to good people. God knows your heart and will see you through this. You’re in our prayers.

  3. Don’t try to make big decisions until you feel ready for that, Brenda. I’m glad you have your nanny job to ease you back into the ‘world’. This has taken quite a toll on you, physically and emotionally, and you need to make yourself your top priority for a while. My experience was nothing compared to yours, but I needed to adjust to a new reality, and I had to take care of myself and get some outside help before I could go back to teaching. Let the big decisions wait!

    Want to do breakfast…or lunch…before I have to go back to school on Monday?

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