KThnxBye is a typical Twitter ending. You use it when you’re posting one of those comments that is only SLIGHTLY (psh) cynical. Like mine today:

Dear God: If you could just give me my husband back, everything would be better. Kthnxbye. :-\

Last night, after a super duper long day-work at the architecture firm, box check for the storage units, aquatics class, new tech meetup, then the meet n greet at Chili’s afterwards, I got a call from a distant cousin to meet up for a beer at Dipco downtown. Well, how could I turn that down? By this point, I was STARVING (1/2 a lowfat chicken salad sandwich and a protein shake didn’t do me for dinner), so off to taco night and a brew at 9:30 p.m. Not exactly healthy, but hey.

As usual, our discussions turned quickly to our love lives: or lack thereof. It’s humorous sharing our dating woes, our crushes, our crushes who are ignorant, us who are ignorant, and so on. Then he said to me, “Bren, my heart goes out to you, because you were OUT OF THE GAME.” I was admittedly caught off guard.

Yes, yes, some of the marrieds miss the loveliness (gag) of singlehood, but I was happy and content to be married. Yes, I craved alone time at moments, but ultimately, I always wanted to come to home to him, to our life-that was what completed my days. I had achieved what many single people dream of: finding a handsome partner, falling madly in love, and leaving THE GAME.

I don’t play the game. I cut the BS out of my life a long time ago, and widowhood has certainly given me a confidence to be even more brash than before. I am not good at waiting, at wondering, or just hanging around hoping. Not that these are traits in which I ever excelled, but widowhood seems have decreased my patience tenfold.

I was out of the game. I had it. It was mine, it was beautiful, it was perfect in its imperfection. And now I am here, blogging in my cynicism, angry at the world, at God, annoyed at school, bored with work, hoping things pan out professionally, but more than anything-the big ‘WHY?’. If he were here, I would not be HERE. And God, I wish I wasn’t here sometimes. If he could just be here, life would be so much better.


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