Grief is overwhelming.
You never know when it’s going to trample your day from out of nowhere, or your week, or your month, or your life. It consumes and barely lets you breathe at times. I feel confused about grief. None of it feels normal, I can’t attempt to understand it and I have absolutely no control over it.
For someone with control issues to begin with, the past year has been a huge battle for me. At least with Kevin being sick I felt I could take control of his meds, his treatments, his home care-I could DO things in order to feel at least slightly in control of the situation, even though the outcome was completely out of my hands.
I look back at what I was able to remember and I’m amazed. I’ve never had a good memory, but I could remember the tons of medications and treatments he was on, what had happened and when without having to think. It was just there. Now “widda” brain has taken over and I can’t remember..well..shit! Or as a good co-worker says, I have “CRS” syndrome, haha.
I think recalling the events of the past year is most hard because of how Kevin suffered and why he suffered so. I believe he held on for me, and while I’m grateful for that, imaginging the pain he felt breaks my heart. To know that he went through that for me, for him, for us to have some semblence of a future together. I don’t regret anything, I try not to at least, but it’s hard not to be hurt at the thought of my husband’s suffering.
Nothing is the same. I can’t change any of it. It’s all out of my control, and that’s completely scary. I can’t control what’s going to come or what I’m feeling even second to second. Most times it catches me off guard and I barely have time to brace for the flood.
I miss him dearly. What I hate most about that particular phrase is that it doesn’t begin to capture the feeling behind behind the 3 words: I MISS HIM. It’s so vague to all that phrase entails.
I miss him=smile, laugh, humor, love, sexiness, desire, passion, vigor, ambition, hope, dreams, safety, comfort, calm, happiness, excitement, butterflies, encouragement, faith, future, children, plans, hands, holding, wishes, drives, travel, camp buddy, smell, feel, touch, foot rubs, chef, darryl’s “dad”, sweat, strength, goofiness, romantic…..
I miss him.