I work, I pay my bills (sometimes, hehe), I have a car, I plan things with friends and family, I go through the motions of a seemingly normal life.
People who don’t know me, probably see my life as pretty normal.
It’s not though, and as much as I’ve always strived in my life to never be a “normal” person because I wanted to be different, I would never have hoped that this would be thing that would set me apart from so many.
I often think about how I do life right now, the motions I go through day in and out. It feels cheap in comparison to the feelings that go through my head. I feel cheap in trying to live a normal life when nothing is that way for me right now. I feel a falsehood surrounding my routine. It doesn’t feel right, and not just in the sense that Kevin isn’t with me. It doesn’t feel right because I feel in some sorts like I’m failing the future by choosing to go back to a routine and normality of life.
I often get the urge to walk away from it all. Not suicidal urges, but rather just to pack up the Jeep and drive away. In some ways I wish I had done that when I was off of work this winter, but I guess that was part of my escape to the West Coast. I wish I could do it again, yet in roadtrip form. I’m glad to be living on my own, to have a true home to come to, to be with my kitty and friends and family. But sometimes….I want to be secluded, to travel, to feel all these emotions without the distractions of a “normal” life.
Grief gets dearly in the way of life, but I am finding that life is getting mor eand more in the way of my grief.