Not Good Enough

Turning 30 last week reminded of something kind of big, maybe not earth shattering, and more annoying than anything…but I’ve been telling myself a lot of lies.

Here’s some of the things my brain eeks out to me sometimes:

So you wrote a book?  Big deal.

I’ve earned this food, I deserve to eat it.

I really want _____.  I need it.

I want to do _____ because I’m missing something in my life.

These aren’t healthy conversations, but I’ve more or less ignored the impact they’ve had on my life.  I’ve ignored the fact that my book isn’t really selling because I tend to downplay the fact that I wrote it when I tell people about what I do.  I’ve ignored the fact that my weight bloomed to it’s highest, ever, because it was easier to eat the dessert and fries rather than tell myself I didn’t need it.  I’ve ignored the fact that my bank account has become slimmer because I’ve wanted to treat myself.  I’ve ignored the fact that my life is filled with a lot of amazing people and things because I’m constantly looking for the next best thing.

When I say this outloud, I get kind of sad and angry at myself.  I see a lot of shallowness.  I wonder what it is that is missing that makes these things so important, or not important.  I wonder if it’s God…because I know, immediately, that’s what a lot of my faith believing friends will think.

I think it has more to do with fear than anything else.  I don’t think this…or say it out loud, but I do believe somewhere down in my subconscious I make choices in my life because at any moment I’m expecting all of this to go away.  I’m expecting great and deep hurt and I want to enjoy as much of everything RIGHT NOW.  But instead of chasing after it as “embracing life to the fullest” I’m hiding behind my weight and insecurities.

And I tell myself that what I’m doing is not good enough.

And that pisses me off.

I lost 4 pounds this week, and I’m kind of surprised.  I didn’t really try but what I did do was track every bite I ate for 4 days and watched what I ate on the 5th day.  I must have realized in there, somewhere, that just because I went over my calories and fat didn’t mean I needed to keep eating because it no longer mattered.  So maybe a change is happening.

And yesterday I admitted to my cousin that I tend to downplay my book…and we came to the conclusion that maybe it’s just because I’m SO DARN READY to get on with this life and unless I have some triggers, to move forward…ow.

And when I was yard saling yesterday I remembered that no, I didn’t need to buy that, because I spent several weeks this winter cleaning out our basement of all that stuff we don’t need.  Because we have enough.

But somehow I think, is it good enough?

But I know it is, for me.  Trying is good…but giving up happiness and spontaneity to strive for something that I think I should have isn’t worth it.  I want happiness and spontaneity because my life IS really pretty special and I don’t have to apologize for it, or be afraid to have pride in this life.  I can accept it, as it is right now, and even if it’s gone tomorrow.  But that’s what scares me every time.

I want to wrap up this blog with some push to say “So I’m going to do X now!” but then I’d be saying that I’m not good enough.  So for now I’m just going to try being for a while and see what happens.


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