Grief is a weight, a chain, a torrent of emotions that just drags along with every facet of life. I have walked with it for almost 1.5 years now, and even before, watching my life being destroyed by cancer and disaster. I know, that I will never be 100% free of grief. It will continue to pop up on anniversaries, birthdays…and sometimes for no reason.
Today Kevin would have been 38.
I would be harassing him about becoming an old man.
But today I am not angry, or even grieving. Because he is free. Free from the horrible cancer that destroyed his body, but not his soul. While I wish he would not have had to suffer like that, and that I would not have to grieve his loss too soon in life, today I feel free. I am sad I cannot bake him a cake, or share another year with him, I feel the possibility of freedom, of a future, and today that outweighs the sad memory of him not celebrating his 38th birthday.
He would be happy for me. For the life I’m creating, for being able to let go of that pain, even if just in increments and moments. He would want me to celebrate the life, not the death. The passion of creating a future.
Happy Birthday Kev. I’ll eat some cake just for you.