My husband died.  2 years 5 months 3 days ago.  While the length at which I have been separated by my husband, from death, is a “reasonable amount of time”, I still get sad.

I am sad right now.  I hide it, or at least I try to.  I bottle it up and put a HAPPY stamp on it.  Inside though, at least the past few weeks, I have been brewing, stirring, concocting a nasty recipe of despair.  Wow, despair.  Desperate.  Yep, I think that suits it.

The HAPPY stamp is rubbing off.  I have exploded.  I am kind of a mess of emotions.  I am.  I went off meds knowing this may happen, hoping that with the combination of weather improving (they’re calling for snow…in April), exercise (mmm, cadbury mini eggs are out in stores now) and therapy (I had to cancel last week due to a schedule conflict) I would be able to handle the effects of med-withdrawal.  Just slap the FAIL stamp on my forehead now.

I know though, that I am allowed to be sad.  Even 2 years, 5 months, and 3 days after his death, I get sad about it.  Kevin would be 39 next week, is that triggering?  Is it EVERYTHING that’s triggering?  Maybe.  I’m just conversing with myself constantly, trying to pinpoint the exact things that make me sad.  But I can’t.  I just am sad.

I am trying to convince myself, that allowing myself to be sad is ok.  Even if everyone is telling me “maybe you should be back on the pills” over and over again.  I’m fighting that.  I’m only now dealing with the full brunt of coming off the pills, and I’ve only been to 1 therapy session.  I need to put forth more effort first.  I promised myself that.  But today, I’m also promising myself an allowance to be sad.

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Comments 4

  1. Yes, you are allowed to be sad. Coming off of meds is hard and you should give it time. I am not in the group that says you should go back on your meds. Having said that, I have recently gone back on Xanax, but not the antidepressants and it seems to be working well for me. Please, please try to make your counseling appointments a priority in your schedule. At this time it should be more important than anything else. Hang in there girl!

  2. Brenda,

    I think I’m one of the few peole that would tell you not to go back on the pills. You are fighting some pretty strong emotions, and you are right sometimes you have to allow your self to feel that desperation. The demons of our emotions never go away until we face them. We have to tell them they are no longer welcome. You are a very strong woman, of that there is no doubt. Feel the sadness, pain, and desperation. Invite them in, make dinner for them, and then when you are ready tell them it’s time for them to leave and never come back. They can send postcards, but they are no longer welcome in your heart or home.

    ~Just my thoughts.

  3. Being sad is exhausting, but keeping the happy face on the outside is even harder. I’m trying to let myself grieve in the way my body, heart and brain are telling me – cry when it comes, be numb when that comes, laugh when someone gives me an excuse – but I feel the pressure to be normal, to not upset people with my tears and my staring into space and my inability to enjoy anything. I like Jason’s advice – it’s a good mental image for me to work with. Sitting them down, taking on board what they have to say, and, I hope, then being able to kick them out later. Hugs.

  4. Brenda, there will always be triggers. Some you expect and can brace yourself for and others that you cannot. You’ll go through the stages of grief all over again, probably in mere seconds. That seems really hopeless, but knowing that it will come means that you will not totally be shocked. Perhaps over the years you will be able to find a non-life-threatening coping mechanism (ie- don’t turn to substance abuse to cope, and don’t shut others out to cope) for those times when the grief is retriggered. I don’t have all of the answers of what works for me let alone what will work for you. But you are not alone, and that is some comfort.
    Thank you so very much for sharing. I’m not very good at analyzing myself unprompted and you are a great prompter.
    Birthdays are a time for celebration, a time to tell someone that they are loved. Even if I only say happy birthday in my head, Dec 4 is still when I tell my little boy that he is still loved and cared for.

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