1 year, 336 days, edging closer. This time two years ago, Kevin and I were preparing to go on what would have been our very last time at Assateague together. It was chilly weather, much like today’s. Last year at this time I was really questioning where I wanted to be in life, and now, this year, I am still here, but much further.
If I measured my life by the accomplishments since Kevin passed, I come off a success. I can do many many things really well, and some even great. But just because I can do them, doesn’t mean that I should. What am I seeking in wanting to do it all instead of doing what I can?
After returning from an amazing 3 day tour of Pittsburgh this past weekend, I realized yet again, I am overdoing it. Just because I am physically able to do certain things and book myself every minute of each day, does not mean that is what will bring me happiness. I just cannot seem to get away from the habit of overbooking that started when Kevin passed. Do I still believe that if I have downtime that I will not be able to deal with the emotions of grief?
I have to wonder if I have really progressed as much as I think I have, or if I am just so busy that I am not allowing myself to believe that I am still actively grieving in some respects. What are your thoughts?