I had a great blog topic, now it’s gone. I’m sure it will come back when it’s 2 a.m. and I’m laying awake in my bed, but for now, it’s gone. So, I guess I’ll just tell you about what’s happening in my life.
5 weeks ago I injured my back, probably as the result of my stubborn, independent “I”ll do it ALL” attitude. It’s an attitude I taught myself after Kevin died so that I could survive. I am no longer in survival mode, but the techniques still thrive a little too much.
I tend to use these techniques to keep myself from getting injured in situations – it’s all to protect myself from feeling a little less pain when something bad happens. You see the irony in this already, right? My Mrs. Independent spirit burned me good, and now because of that move, I have to rely on EVERYONE to get things done. No, this may not be my all my fault, but, I certainly did get myself mostly here on my own. In this case, that’s not a good thing.
Fast forward ahead five weeks and after intense pain, physical therapy, travel and exhaustion, and surgeon consultations, I have a surgery scheduled for 9/16 and have finally found some rest. And solace.
There is part of me, that after cancelling a travel writing trip to Erie, a girls wine weekend to the Finger Lakes, my annual National Park trip, and numerous other side jobs and obligations, felt relief. I feel as If I should feel guilty for this, but I do not. A clean schedule has been my dream for sometime. I love doing so many things, and they do make me happy, but dammit I’m tired! Now my body needs rest. My brain needs recuperation. My life needs stability (as does my back).
The surgery means that the rest of 2011 will be resting, healing and rebuilding. It means that travel will be limited to none. It means my work will be limited. It means I’ll have to do nothing.
I am starting some little side jobs to supplement the regular work that I can no longer physically DO. Piano lessons. Writing tutoring. Copywriting. Things that fall in line with me, my love, my moral code, my life goals. I don’t know if you know this, but most of my “regular” jobs really have nothing to do with any of those things. So yes, I am doing more OTHER things, but isn’t it amazing how it took me becoming broken to do what I really enjoy?
I am still working my regular job as well as I can. Part of me doesn’t want to go back after this, but I do have a feeling that the things I will be doing with this injury are going to lead to a lot of great transitions in my life.
No, I’m not just turning lemons into lemonade (maybe a little). I can say that I’m grateful that my back finally stopped me, that after this I will hopefully be stronger in a lot of ways. The rest of 2011? Ok then, here we go.