We are now over 40″ deep of snow in less than a week here in Lancaster County. It is insane. I LOVE snow, love it. What I don’t enjoy, however, is cabin fever. Being stuck inside, unable to drive anywhere, just me, my cat, my thoughts…and thank God for a DVR.

When it’s just you stuck inside you can go from ambitious to depressed in a heartbeat. The first snowstorm I cooked, baked, was productive! This snowstorm I got a bunch of schoolwork done, and then settled into a bout of depression. The type where you can’t help but be jealous of the families and couples snowed in together, shoveling out, making snow angels. Who wouldn’t be jealous of the quintessential Americana life-I know I am. Mine is anything BUT quintessential.

I feel a good beat in my life right now, but part of it is just survival mode. Getting through situations like anniversaries, and now approaching Valentine’s Day. I am feeling the brunt of my anniversary and all that the date means-the combination of loss and happiness-when I approach dates I know are coming and are sentimental, I can put up armor and go right into survival mode to protect. It’s the other moments I cannot brace for. The sure to come ‘firsts’ of widowhood that still catch me off guard-ones that just have to survive, but have no armor.

I love snow….but I think it is time for spring, and blooms, and a fresh start.

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