Time Warp

When you are focused on your grieving process and moving forward while trying to complete daily tasks, you miss a lot of things. If you have ever grieved anything in life, you know that during that process, you miss many things that are right in front of you. Some of those are friendships, some are opportunity, and some are things that you never realize.

Today I was trying to think of friends that I could ask to help move furniture and tear up carpets for my parents, since they are getting new carpet and cannot do any lifting. The list was few. Thoughout the past few years, that list would have been long. I have always been quite fortunate to have many friends assist in my one too many moves (THANK YOU) but now? Not many are around. Some of my best male friends are nowhere to be found, and many of my married friends I have not contacted, nor have they contacted me, in months.

I wonder what I did through the grieving process to miss so much of life. Discovering the fragileness of our lives, being stuck having to face grief takes us into a time warp where we barely see what’s in front of us. I know I have missed a lot of things, and have lost a lot more.

I have two amazing girlfriends (many more, but two in particular) who just stuck through it all. I know I missed out on important things in their lives because I was too consumed in my own grief to relate to them. I know that it was the same for important events in my families’ lives, and even acknowledging their grieving of Kevin’s death.

I have said it before, and I’ll say it again, death takes so much more than the person. As I continue forward in my life, realizing what else it took along with Kevin, it creates an ache. Before it was the dreams that were lost, the goals we had as a couple, our love, him…but now it’s all the other relationships it took with it. I think now about how often I said “well, they can call me if they want to see me”, but many times the other person feels we should take the first step, to reach out for them, when we need them, on our own accord. But most times, I did not have the strength or the time or energy to bother makes those connections and still some days, I do not.

I wish it hadn’t taken so much, but I am happy for what I now have.

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