What’s Next…Refuse to Just ‘Exist’

I have always looked to the future-planned ahead, dreamed crazy and far, and some of those things I have achieved. Having worked past enough grief that I can now look ahead yet again, I find that beyond a year I am at a complete loss. While a year off seems like quite a long time, many of us know how quickly a year can go. We also know how short life is. The combination of those two certainties finds me embattled to really delve into what I want out of this life. At times, I feel like I am just existing, yet I know that I am simply preparing for a future-a future I do not know what will hold.

I know for certain that plans will probably change, as they always do, but I do not want that to stop me from dreaming, from opening my eyes to the world around me and seeing a future in it. Mostly-I want to see myself in a future where I am content and look forward to my day to day activities, and one where I do not feel like I am missing out. Currently, I feel as if I am missing out, but I know I am still preparing. Preparing for what?

I know in the next year I am laying ground to start the first Central Pennsylvania Team Sarcoma Event which I hope to just be a stepping stone to prepare me for further involvement with the Liddy Shriver Sarcoma Initiative and sarcoma awareness. I know that right now I am in my 2nd to last semester at Harrisburg Area Community College where I will finally graduate with an Associate’s Degree in Business Studies after the Fall 2010 semester. I know that while I do enjoy my job, I am not using all of my skills and talents, nor am I participating in a business where I truly feel called and directed. I know that each and every day I fight to eat better, to work at creating a healthier body and to meet my goal weight and health by December 2010. All of these things are preparing me for life beyond 2010.

I know that in preparation one can feel lost-you just want to GET THERE. Can you tell I have never been any good with patience? This year I commit to preparation-to completing these things so that in 2011 I can begin life. In many ways I feel put on hold, and I need to refocus that thought process. When I feel put on hold, I tend to jump/leap/take risks that get me into trouble. It is habitual, and for once in my life, I really need and actually want some stability in the preparation and the waiting. As Petty said, “the waiting is the hardest part.”

Once I have completed the preparation necessary to equip myself with the skills to plan a Central PA Team Sarcoma, to finish my Associate’s Degree, to become healthier, then what?

I had really hoped and thought about continuing my education in my Bachelor’s degree, but I do not know if that is the right course of action. While yes, most employment opportunities require a bachelor’s, it may take me another 4 years to complete my Bachelor’s due to having to choose a school I can afford-Penn State. As of now (meeting my advisor next month) it does not look like they have an accelerated degree program. The schools that are in state/local that do have accelerated programs either do not have my degree, or will leave me with $60k of debt to start my 30’s with. No thanks! I am evaluating all my options and will meet with my academic advisor next month to see what may be next education-wise.

Following education, there’s the job. I could stay here forever, but this is not in the cards or in my heart. I want to do something deep to contribute to society-with having won the 2009 PMA Award and being professionally recognized it certainly gives me hope that my writing is being taken seriously and that I could have a future in writing. With this in mind, I want to begin setting aside a few hours each week to work on my novel which I have been neglecting, and to continue to contribute to my Associated Content portfolio. Moving forward in this regard could open many doors for me, or close some. Either way it will give me some answers and direction to my future in writing-and to be quite honest-writing and speaking is where I feel most called at this time.

Team Sarcoma is exciting for me-getting to plan this bike ride with the help of friends and families is going to be uplifting and fruitful. I know that good connections will come out of this, and help for other sarcoma patients. While I want to contribute in whatever way I can, I do not know that putting full time energy into this in the coming years will be wise for me, but it is something I want to continue moving forward with and giving contribution in whatever way I can. Awareness certainly gives me a sense of empowerment and honor to Kevin’s memory.

The way I am currently tracking, despite setbacks from being sick, is to be at my goal weight and optimum health by the end of the year. It’s exciting to know that I can take control of my body and to truly care for myself again. With all that has happened I just never felt a need to care for myself, and that is so important. Each and every day I am trying to focus energy to eat healthier and exercise. I’m even working towards a more natural way of living-so much so that I chose to give up my Mary Kay business after 5 great years with the company. I am ready for something new with my body-a body where I can do what I want, when I want, without health restrictions. That sounds so nice right now.

I have a pretty exciting future ahead despite not knowing what’s out there-I do know that. In the back of my head I can hear my desire to continue writing and really trying to “make it” call me out of my hiding spot. I have been intimidated for so long at wondering what people think of my writing style and my sometimes brash point of view, but now, I think it’s time to continue to open up. I do not want to be afraid anymore of trying to achieve something that feels good to me-something that helps not only me, but can help someone else as well. Why am I so scared of this? The future is scary yes, but the thought of just ‘existing’ seems even more so. Time to leap baby.

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Comments 1

  1. Way to dream!!! I’m in ur corner!!

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