When it Hurts, It Hurts

Last night, I came home and just bawled.

I haven’t done that in so long. It felt good to release that, to unburden myself with this buildup of emotion after a year from when this journey to widowhood all started. The tears hold a lot more than grief.

That last post that I put up-I just heard it on the radio at work. Wow. I am trying to uncover the history of whomever wrote it because it captures grief in a deep essence. I have spent a lot of my grieving driving down the road bawling my eyes out just like the song said. For whatever reason, while driving, I felt I could release, could rage, could be free or grief.

I’m feeling a deep wave of grief these days. It’s hard to believe a year ago Kevin started to feel this tumor taking over his body. It’s hard to believe that a year ago is when I was starting to lose my soulmate. To watch him suffer unbelievably, yet provide a strength that I have never seen.

I miss witnessing his vigor, his hope, his faith, but mostly, his love for me and for life. I miss him.

I’m also feeling burdened by the hurt of my friends. Watching love unravel, be destroyed. It’s heavy on my heart to see people walk away from marriage when I would give anything to have my marriage back. It sounds a bit selfish I guess, but I think..”You saw what Kev & I went through, how fragile life is, how precious family and love are, yet you walk away, you betray”. Watching things like this unravel just adds to the grief of loss I think. But I guess not everyone has what we had. And I need to keep that in mind too. Love is never perfect, it’s work, it’s hard. It’s learning…not giving up.

I’m wearing my engagement ring on my right ring finger, and Kevin’s wedding ring on my left middle finger today. I just wanted to have something he wore close to me today. I miss him a lot these days, like every day.

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Comments 1

  1. I know who wrote the song. To be honest, I had no idea her grief was that heavy. I was stunned when I heard about the letters she would write – I never saw them. I heard the work tape for this song and it blew me away. More tears.
    I am sorry for the loss of your buddy. I cannot say that I know all that you are going through, cause I lost a sister, not someone I chose to spend the rest of my life with. There is a difference. But the stages are all the same, and you have to go through them. 18 of us went through them together- I hope you have lots. We would see it in one another’s face, we would hug, we would talk, we would cry, we would laugh and we would get over one more hurdle. I can tell you that this is hard work, but like all things that are worth having, hard work is necessary- because that grief has made our joys so much more exquisite.
    We will all meet again. Someday. I believe that with all my being.

    Not too long after Lisa died, I had a dream about her. She was so fragile in that hospital bed that to hug her hard was just not gonna happen, and we are great huggers! LOL. I regretted the times we quarreled and left one another without that hug, that kiss. It happens with siblings. Anyway, in my dream, I was in some hotel room looking out of the window, big smile on my face….I was happy. I looked away from the window to the left side of the room and there she was, smiling too- looking at me! I asked her if she was really there…..she said “Yes, come and touch me!” I ran to her and did just that-touched her. “Lisa, I did not get my last big hug.” “I know”, she said, “that’s why I am here.” I got my hug.
    And crap, I am crying -again! It has been 3 years. We are happy, but when we all get together, we remember that there is one less of us. But, it’s okay. We will all be together again – some day. But not today, God willing.
    Lisa is not forgotten, she is no less loved, she is no less missed-we are just allowed to be happy again, for one another-for ourselves.
    My prayers are with ya.
    Her sister.

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