Well, 16 weeks has officially passed, and on the 28th will be the month date that signifies 4 months since Kevin’s passing. WOW. It’s hard to believe that 8 months ago, our life was “normal”, we were busy planning our summer vacations, and now, he’s gone.
Everytime I think about it, it still hits me solidly. The reality is still extremely bitter tasting. I’m learning to adjust to my “new” life though. I mean, do I wish things were different? ABSOLUTELY. Who wouldn’t?
But I’ve gotten to the point, where, as much as I wish he were still here, I also don’t want to continue dwelling on what could and should have been. It hurts too much at times. I KNOW what we could have had, I know the amazing life we would have had, and I mourn it daily.
However, I want to celebrate his life and the times we did have. It’s certainly not easy, but, it’s also not fair to myself or to Kevin to only mourn. Yes, mourning is probably 99% of it. But why can’t I work on changing those odds and thinking of the amazing life we had.
My life is so different because of having had Kevin. For those who never got the opportunity to meet him, wow, you missed an amazing person. I never met someone so fearless when it came to love. Most guys want to feel out the situation, take baby steps, ease…but Kevin wanted love. He wanted true, deep, passionate love, and he sought after it for several years before he stumbled across my old webpage online.
It’s hard to believe how God brought us together, seperated by thousands of miles. I can’t imagine how we would ever have met otherwise. I constantly wonder at why I was chosen for Kevin, why we went through what we did to finally be together, and then have it end. But to have experienced his love; to have felt something beyond what I ever could even dream up, was beyond amazing.
I don’t know if I’ve written this before, but Kevin blew out my expectations of love and marriage. I always dreamed of marrying a gentle soul, someone funny, attractive, that took care of me. Kevin was all that, and came with thousands more wonderful qualities beyond what I even knew I wanted. He brought with him this basket full of treats into our love story. For once in my life, I didn’t have to feel like I had settled. I know I know, the cheesy “I wont the lottery” phrase is annoying, but so true. He was my soul mate.
I see so many marriages, so many “love stories”, and as wrong as it sounds, I think, “They had nothing on what Kevin and I had”. And frankly, it’s true. People looked at us, and saw something far beyond what could be called true love. They saw souls intertwined. Now that, is something that rarely comes about anymore. I was blessed, and I am blessed to have had that experience, to be left with such a fulfillment of love.
Last evening, I went to Five Guys (my favorite burger joint) for dinner between work and my computer class. And in walked one of Kevin’s favorite nurses from LGH. That has happened twice to me now-seeing people out and about that took care of Kevin. A few months ago I ran into the head nurse of the ICU at Walmart. My heart drops, and I remember why these amazing people were brought in my life. It was hard, tears fell, but just before he left, he came up and asked exactly what I needed prayer for. I just told him, “just to get through”.
I feel equipped to deal with a lot of things, but overall, I find that just getting through each day alone is the hardest of all.
I am blessed with his memory. I am blessed to have found something most people never find. I am blessed by the love.