First off, I’m doing ok. I took a sick/personal day yesterday because I literally felt like a truck hit me. I got some good rest and relaxation in, and am feeling MUCH better today, thank goodness. It’s going around from what I hear.
I’ve been having trouble sleeping the past few nights-I think it’s a combination of weird dreams, being sick, and my cat. I hope I can get some good, quality sleep soon. I need it. Last night, I dreamt that Kevin and I were seperated, and finally, we got to be together. Despite the bitersweet reality, it felt good to FEEL like he was still present, even if just in my dreams.
I’m gearing up to head north to Tioga county this weekend for a refreshing weekend on top of the mountain at my parent’s cabin. In the meantime, I need to get this coolant leak fixed in my jeep, so keep the prayers going that it turns out to be a minor cost repair. I need a cheap repair on it!
I hope to leave right after work Friday and stay until mid-day Sunday. I plan to just do some shopping downtown, take some walks, and LOTS of writing. I am hoping just being away for some general relaxation will help clear my brain. I just need a different place to focus.
I have a LARGE list of things to get done, but all in time. In the next two weeks, I’ll be hunkering down getting things ready to get my taxes done, and to get things in order with Kevin’s estate, something I dread. I’m also figuring out the financial end of the bills and that alone stresses me out like crazy.
In general, I’m just feeling very overwhelmed with the LARGE things that need to get done. My brain is definitely not functioning at a high level, so I can’t handle more than one task at once. I hope this weekend will clear me out and re-invigorate me to get back on track.
My goal is not live life just checking things off my post it note list, to just show up and go about my day. I lived that life, and I don’t intend to do that again. I want to live life, inspired and to inspire.
I can already see how easy it is to get back into the mundane, same old, way of doing things. I’ve never really done things to a certain normalcy, I’ve alway been a bit different, but I really want to stand out amongst the world. I want to do something, to be something, that is different, that creates waves of change and progress.
Inside, I believe we all feel that desire. I think we are all given certain life experiences that make us want to do change, but often, we are ill equiped to know how to even begin.
Baby steps. That’s how I plan to tackle my large post it note list of MAJOR things that need to be done. I just need to do it, and stop procrastinating in my head about how AWFUL it’s going to be to do it. Because frankly, once it’s done, what a weight will be lifted!
Same with other journeys in life. Baby steps. Just easing into it-not waiting until the absolute last chance, and then having to leap far beyond what we’re capable of!
So often we make out these things in our life to be such huge deals, but so many times they aren’t anything life altering. However, if we break it down, and just work on it piece by piece, it begins the motion to create that wave of change.
All it takes is a slight breeze. It doesn’t have to be a huge commitment, just a will to do something different, a reason and a purpose, and a goal in mind. For me, Sarcoma awareness is one of my biggest goals. The other huge one is to write, and write fervently and passionately.
I have to keep reminding myself that Kevin ASKED me, he said to me, “Bren, I want you to write our story”. It’s a commitment I made to him, and one I need to keep. Even if the only copy is for myself, that’s ok, but I need to do this. For him, for me, for all of you, and for all those who are going through a similar journey now, and in the future.
There is a purpose. Again, I will always lack the understanding behind it, but I believe this Chapter two of life is going to open unfathomable doors. Will it be worth what I lost? It may never feel that way, but ultimately, I am just the do-er. I can’t plan this, I can only do what I feel called to, what I feel empowered to.
I want to live my life inspired. How about you?