In my brain, widow, and Brenda are synonymous…to a fault. While I do think it’s healthy for me to embrace my reality, somewhere along the way I have become so consumed with being a widow, that I’ve forgotten to just be Brenda.
Someone outside my situation said that to me this weekend, and it was like a splash of cold water on a hot situation. It felt relieving rather than offensive. When I asked my friends if this person was right, and they agreed, I thought wow. Where along the way did I lose me?
Oh yeah, back there.
Fears of letting go of the “Brenda the widow” status are mainly that in not honoring my widowhood 24/7 I’m forgetting Kevin, I’m not fully acknowledging the everyday pain I should be feeling with his loss. What I didn’t accept or realize was that in being a widow 24/7 and refusing to let go of certain pain, I am holding myself back from discovering who I am in this new shell. While yes, I am a widow, I’m still Brenda. I’m still alive.
My focus is going to be in allowing myself to feel pain when it needs to be dealt with, but otherwise letting go of bits of widowhood so I can feel some normalcy. I guess I feel if I didn’t continue all the things Kevin & I loved to do as a couple, or some of the things Kevin did on his own, that he would be gone. And well, he is. Nothing changes that. There’s nothing I can do to diminish his impact on my world, on this world. But going on and living a life honoring myself, and God, and recognizing my gifts in themselves, and my talents, honors Kevin as well. It honors him because I am continuing to live despite.
So while I will be a widow, I can also be me.