So, I don’t know what’s going on. I have a solid feeling it has to do with moving that my emotions are all out of whack. What I thought I had embraced as my reality, now I feel so confused about. I just think and go, seriously, is he really dead? Like, I’m totally a 24 year old widow? WTF.
I’m feeling very lost in the shuffle of my own life. I’m officially 15 weeks past and I don’t know what’s going on. I’m working full time, I’ve moved out, things LOOK in order, yet my brain is complete mush and chaos. From looking outside in, I look like I’m doing really well. But internally I feel so….LOST. ALONE. AFRAID. DEVASTATED. It’s as if I’m living a lie.
I guess this is what it feels like to make those first big steps back into the real, crappy world. I thought I would feel better having a routine, being on my own, finally establishing some independence again, but I really want to do is be completely dependent upon Kevin, and now that’s gone.
I mean, I don’t want you think that I don’t have my happy moments. I’d say, that most of my day consists of good moments. Getting through, driving to work, smiling at a stranger, laughing at a joke, enjoying this GORGEOUS weather. It’s just when this depression grief hits me there’s no stopping the ache. If you’ve never experienced deep pain, you don’t know what this is. If you do, you know exactly what I’m about to describe. It’s a thought, but the thought sticks in your brain and runs down your throat deep into you chest, your heart, your SOUL. Yes, THERE. It strains and pulls and delves and instanteously causes your eyes to tear up and you throat to clench, and you just want to sob. There’s nothing to stop it but release.
Those are the moments when I have to take DEEP DEEP breaths and just allow it to pass. I can’t be consumed by that, it’s just too painful.
I’m a 24 year old widow. WTF. That’s my phrase for the day *shrugs*.
I need a good, cheesy, joke.