I love the sunshine. I need it, I crave it. For someone like me who thoroughly enjoys snow, winter clothing, and bundling up in cute hats, my only thought right now is windows down, cute capri shorts, many pairs of sunglasses, camping equipment, surf fishing, and BEACH, SAND, OCEAN. Ahhhhhhhhhh. I can almost smell the sweet ocean air. I think that probably explains my obsession with ocean/sea air smelling candles. I have about….7, at least, in my new apartment bedroom. Haha.
This morning driving to work, looking at the sunshine in the clear blue sky, I thought, I love you Kevin and blew a kiss into that lovely sky. I felt a release. It was like I had finally let go of his death and just could breathe. For the first time in weeks I felt release. It felt amazing. I don’t remember the last time I felt release.
When I had the amazing opportunity to visit my dear friend Deborah in California shortlly after Kevin passed, I felt some relief. My heart felt it needed to be anywhere but home for that time period. But this home feels right.
My jobs may not be glamarous, but they’re fun, and with amazing people. It pays my bills, and has allowed me to get on my own. I have a great supportive girlfriend living with me helping me to adjust to life in the new place, and it’s a beautiful apartment that I’m really enjoying. My friends are lifting me up and walking with me, and overall, things are, dare I say..good.
My depression is still there-it’s still underlying, waiting to pop up during a sad quiet song, or a beautiful memory, or hearing of death and tragedy. But it’s normal. I mean, I am a grieving widow for goodness sake.
But tomorrow I’m at 16 weeks. I’m almost 4 months into this journey. That means I’ve now reached the point where I’ve been without Kevin for as long as he was sick. Wow. It’s an interesting perspective. Both feel so short, yet so long in different ways.
I just want to feel happy. I want to feel embraced and whole again, but I know that won’t come but from faith, and finding myself again. And time.
What I miss most right now is creating new memories with Kevin. It’s hard to look forward to what I want, and see those things with him. It doesn’t feel fair or right, but this is my life. *shrugs*. This is the new journey. I don’t want to look back on these moments with regret. I want to be able to look back on this time and know that I mourned him in the way I could, and did what I needed to do for myself to get through this.
As I’ve said many times before, grief is very relative, but it’s also completely unique. We all have our different ways of coping and dealing. I’ve been on the other side and have been critical of how people deal with tragedy, and now to be on this side, I think, wow, how selfish was I. But it’s hard not to look in on other’s life and think about how you would deal with it. When it comes down to it though, until you’re in this situation, you don’t have a clue. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the thoughts and consideration. I need that too.
If you would like my new mailing address, email me and I will make sure you get it. I hope you all had a beautiful valentine’s day. I had the opportunity to go out with some of my single friends for a night on the town, and had a little too much fun, but it was a blast. Good weekend…