For Me, Not He

Forewarning: Brutally honest statement ahead.

I need to move forward not because he was my love, but because he gave me love. It’s a twist in the head to think that way. The “what ifs” of life should not be my focus, instead, I want to remember the love he showed me and have that be a part of who I am. I do not want to constantly dwell on Kevin having been my love, but want to be left with the love he gave to me to continue forward.

For me, not he, certainly sounds very selfish, very self intuitive. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just realizing that I do not want to live in the past. There will be moments, both prepared and unprepared, that I will have no choice but to focus on the past and what he had that I cherished, and what we had that I wish we hadn’t needed to go through. I want be caught off guard with the good memories of the great things he left me with, not the things that were taken from me. Moving forward has to be about me, holding the treasures of great love that I gained, and not about the loss of him.

Initially, this would sound like I was dishonoring him. In fact, typing it feels a bit dishonoring. But then I actually think of Kevin. Not his memory or what happened, but about him and the way he thought, and the words he spoke. He would tell me stop living in the past, and focus on the present. He was very much a realist, a very practical person. He knew how to live and how to be in the moment without rushing or worrying, something he tried to teach me. Maybe his wisdom of living in the present is finally rubbing off on me, a year after his death.

I want to live for me, for the greater good of others, with the love he showed me, and the realism he showed me in living for the present. It doesn’t always have to be about his death. In fact, it should never have been, it should be about his life, and what he taught me while he was alive-both before and during the battle with cancer.

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Comments 3

  1. Excellent attitude. Save this post and read it on the bad days. Proud of you and I know so is Kevin (and God)!

  2. Right on!!!!! Excellent!!!!!

  3. I really like this. Because it’s true. If I died suddenly (or not so suddenly), I’d want to be cherished for the happy memories I was part of, and not be responsible for the hole in someone’s heart for all eternity. I’d feel more honored to be remembered for what I was than what I wasn’t. I’m sure Kevin would feel the same – and I think you are doing him a great honor by letting him love you in a way that is supportive rather than destructive, even though he isn’t with you in life.

    Hugs, Brenda.

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