It comes, and then it goes

Today I’m off. Not sure what’s up with my body, my brain feels kind of fuzzy, and despite the beauty of the day I’m feeling a bit cranky. I often wonder how much of this is female hormones, how much is widowhood/grief. I have come to understand and accept that grief will always be a slight shadow in my life, a lapping wave. When I discuss my grieving process with my mentor, I know that my bad days are that much worse because of the accumulated life events that I have always lingering.

This grief makes defining my emotional reality that much more difficult. It becomes harder to distinguish and pinpoint why I am feeling a certain way, the apprehensions I hold, and the fear/dismay I have for certain things. I feel weighed down today, and I cannot even pinpoint it. It is quite frustrating.

I think some of my disappointment comes from feeling unmotivated to write, to work on my memoir, to be creative. I’m feeling a bit blocked with my writing-almost like I am not 100% in touch with myself, and feeling blinded to my own reality.

While I’m ahead with school, enjoying a few days break before working on the last few weeks of classes, I still feel burdered: but with what? I definitely have a bit of an emotional disconnect occuring, but I have yet to discover why.

Biking last night I really thought about myself, my dreams, how I would like them to change and develop, and how having those dreams altered would affect my life. What am I doing for me, what I am I doing for the other parts of my life?

Floundering a bit…I just need to sail on today.

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Comments 2

  1. Brenda-

    I hate to say that I can relate, but I can.
    sometimes it seems life has such a momentum of its own, I can simply try and hang on while floundering.
    And reality…not sure what that is.
    But , But, But…

    Something else I have noticed is I keep starting, getting up, trying, beginning again…you know what I mean I know you do.

    And then one day after what seems like a eternity, it sticks. And the forward has more momentum.

    Have you ever turned a breaker switch on or off…seems its hard to flip the switch. And then once you get it, it stays.

    Sorry you are feeling the weighed down today. Glad you went biking last night.
    The fact that you are keeping on, is what will eventually make the feeling more as you’d like them.
    Sorry for the wordiness…
    I want you to know I believe in you.

    Hugs, Hugs, Hugs.
    Love you,

  2. I recommend the book “Bird by Bird” by Anne Lamott if you are feeling discouraged in your writing but also still really wanting to stick with it. It’s an enjoyable read with tips and tricks on writing (and life) and is a great reminder for all writers that we will all get stuck, produce crappy first drafts (in fact, one chapter in the book is called “Shitty First Drafts”), totally doubt our abilities, etc… but being able to produce something fantastic in the end is totally worth it.

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