Keep it Kevin

I think this is my new mantra: Keep it Kevin. It just fits for a LOT of things, especially right now. I just want to make my life so that it would keep it Kevin. Yes, I have to make some BIG changes, and to a lot of grieving, a lot of adjusting. But overall, he was such an amazing influence on my life, and will always be, so I just want to keep it Kevin.

In fact, I think in this honor, it names my Team Sarcoma that I still plan on starting for the 2009 year. Team Sarcoma: Keepin’ It Kevin. I like it-do you?

Hm. I haven’t cried in 24 hours. I have ALMOST ALMOST cried, but not broken down. *shrugs*. It’s not a feat I enjoy telling you, because I want to cry. I want to cry a lot. But right now, I’m just having conversations in my head with Kevin, believing that he can hear me. I hear his responses, and the things he would say if he were here.

I think at some points, I truly know he is gone. In others, I cannot wrap my head around this. I think about him dying, I think about the struggle we had with this disease, and I just can’t believe it’s over. Reality comes and goes for me.

The thing is, I don’t want to remember him FOR these last 4 months. Yes, it developed in him an unbelievable character-but that’s just it. It was one character in our short lifetime together. And that character is so uplifting, yet so depressing for me….it just sucks. Because right now, it’s all that enters my brain. I try to think back to before this horrible disease, and my mind just won’t let me!

Anyways…mom said she would take care of getting all the medical stuff out of the rooms while I’m gone. I think that will help, not having that constant reminder of the pain Kev went through. Then I can just flood the rooms with pictures of the GOOD times and be forced to have good memories, despite what my brain wants to think.

Grieving sucks. THere is no other way to put it.

By the way-I fly out this evening for Winnipeg and will not be back in Lancaster until later afternoon on Monday. I will do my best to blog while I am away, but it may not always be possible. So for your stalkers (hehe), be patient. LOTS more is coming from me. This blog will never end for me…

Love you all.

Related posts

Comments 8

  1. Hey Bren-
    Just wanted to share a memory of Kevin that I think you’ll enjoy. We were at your place (last December I believe) and Anne was just a month old. Since I was nursing I couldn’t drink coffee, and Kevin had offered everyone some. I said something like, “Oh, I wish, but I can’t…” Kevin, being Kevin, said, “Well, I could get you some hot tea if you want.” I told him that would be great. I went downstairs to nurse Anne and when I came back up Kevin had set up this elaborate tea set with milk and sugar and everything. That is the Kevin that I remember… always thinking of others and hoping to make them happy and comfortable. While you shouldn’t forget about what Kevin went through, know that he was always thinking of you and hoping to make you happy and comfortable, even at his weakest. He thanked me profusely when I helped get a couple people together to get your stuff moved. I thought how funny that seemed at the time because I know he would’ve done the same for us, if not more.
    I truly believe that Kevin tried so hard for you, and held on for you. He loved you deeply, Brenda, and when you told him it was OK for him to go, that you would be okay, he believed you. I cannot imagine your pain, but when you are ready, try for Kevin. Not crying for 24 hours is one step. Keeping Kevin’s memory alive by doing your Team Sarcoma is another. You are a strong, beautiful person, and Kevin helped you get to this point. Grieve your heart out for Kevin, because he deserves it. But when no more tears come, do not feel bad. That is when you remember the good times, the time you spent with Kevin in all his glory surf fishing. You told Kevin you would be okay, and I believe you will. It won’t be easy, as you have seen thus far, but know there are many praying for you and thinking of you. (I admit I’m one of your blog-stalkers!) If you ever want to tell stories of Kevin, I’d be happy to listen. I’ll cook you lunch and we can chat as long as you’d like. I’ll be praying for you while you’re in Canada.
    By the way, Doug gave the most beautiful eulogy I’ve ever heard. I hope he gives you a copy of what he said about Kevin. I laughed and cried in nearly equal measure. Kevin was well-loved. Seriously-let me know if you ever want to come over (even if just to get out of the house).
    Love you-Ems

  2. I only know Kevin through this blog and would love to hear more people who knew him share their “That’s Kevin to me” stories. More importantly–I bet Brenda would love it, too.

  3. I have to admit that I am a blog stalker too! 🙂 I liked how you named us that….very appropriate! Don’t be upset that you survived 24 hours without crying. Maybe that is your way of knowing that, even though you will grieve for much more time ahead, it is now time to focus on the good stuff. I can’t imagine how hard it is to try to find the Kevin you knew before he got sick. That time was a short time but it consumed so much of your life. Call on your friends for stories and look for photos and maybe that will help you find him again! Good luck this weekend! And I will continue to stalk! 🙂

  4. Hi my name is Rosetta….and I am a Boitson blog stalker 🙂

    Now that it is out there, I don’t feel so bad because anyone reading this message is one too !! hahahahaha
    We pray for you everyday Brenda. Even more than we read your blog…okay, well equally! hehehe
    We will be thinking of you during your Winnipeg trip. I hope we actually get to meet you in person. If not, we will pray that is goes as easy and humanly possible during such a difficult time.
    God bless

  5. p.s. I love the “keeping it kevin” it is perfect

  6. Brenda,
    Rosetta is my sister-and I too-am a Fellow Blog Stalker (I feel like I am at AA). We would love to meet you, but if not-I hope your visit is as pleasant as it could possibly be. If you need anything while you are here or just need an escape-let us know!

  7. I think it is fair to say that we Stalk because we love you. Take care and hang in there. I think of you and pray for you daily.

  8. I am listening to the Audio from the funeral. The Eulogy Doug Gave was nothing less than perfect. He did an amazinggggggggg job!!!! What a beautiful Funeral. Thank you for sharing it with all of us who were not there with you.

Leave A Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.