Well, I think we’re only down a month of blogs, and I didn’t do a lot of blogging in April, so it’s not a biggie. I’m just SOOO glad I didn’t lose my blogs from Day 1 on for the book. That would just STINK.

Vegas was a good trip. I wouldn’t say it was a favorite vacation spot, but it was cool to see. My feet hurt SOO bad, and my knees are still recooperating. Further reminder this weight needs to come off.

I’ll post pics in a few days…

The past week has been nothing short of severe depression. I felt like reality had sunk in prior to this point, but there is definitely something about hitting the 6 month past mark that makes you realize how real it truly is.


I posted a message about the 6 months devastation on my young widow online support group, and I was astounded to find at least 5 other widows who all lost their husbands that same day, or the day following. It was sad to say the least, but all of us agreed that we’re at the same stages emotionally: anger, depression, reality, loneliness.

One young widow in particular lost her husband the same day, and he was just 3 months older than Kev, to a heart condition, unexpected. WOW. I hope to connect more with her-I feel we could help each other a lot being that our situations are so close.

I have decided to look into talking to a close friend, who is a therapist. We already hang out a lot, but there is some major issues that I need to deal with that are eating through me right now. This week has just been so hard. Lots of breakdowns, severe depression, anxiety, loneliness, everything. Tuesday was 6 months since Kev left this world, and I’m just feeling very inadequate.

Continue to keep me in your prayers as I make some decisions regarding my future and what I would like to happen down the road. The biggest issue I have right now is planning solely for my benefit. For so long, our dreams and hopes for the future were planned together. I am definitely having major trouble letting go of him in the decision making. I think about what he would say, do, or want me to do, and it often sways my thinking. The fact is, I need to be SELFISH right now, and I feel so guilty in that. It’s like if I make decisions solely for me, I am fully acknowledging HIM NOT BEING ALIVE. *shrugs* I know it’s true, but in some ways it’s comforting to still include him in my decision making processes.

But I need to do this on my own. From here on out, it’s me and whatever life hands me. So, as indecisive as I am right now, some stern decisions need made. It feels just impossible to do that with my cloudy judgement. All I see ahead is a pit of rotting dreams instead of a field of possibilities.

The next step is just to try and get out of this tsunami of grief, make some smart sound decisions, and focus. We’ll see….

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Comments 2

  1. Brenda,
    I really like the reference to REAL…maybe this could be an underlying theme in your story. From the moment you knew Kevin was have a throat issue on holiday in Cananda (i remember cause I too was on holiday and we were posting back and forth) I remember clear as can be, that moment when you had to leave and go home) Your path to REAL was a blur of disbelief, …..and a whole list of emotional adjectives.
    …and now it has become real…
    and in your field of dreams I hope you include knowing someday you will be back out here again…
    Yu know my geeky hubby always says ‘everything’s relative” . When I look at how you are working through all this, I am sure its hard to know and believe…but you are doing a great job…Brenda you are.
    Love you…hugs…

  2. You are always in my prayers, Brenda, and my mom and aunt ask about you frequently. Enjoy the ‘up’ days when you have them, and be patient with yourself when you get knocked down again. Just keep on getting up!

    (Have you checked with a computer geek about retrieving your lost files? It can probably be done.)

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